Life of a working mom

Asking questions of myself

2009-10-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

I need to make some changes in my life. I'm barely treading water and I am not happy. I'm not miserable, but not waking up happy and appreciative to have another day.

That is not cool. How can a person have a job, a roof over their head (however temporary) and food, and not wake up happy.

I am alive. I can walk and breath on my own. I have clothes in the closet. OK, so most don't fit right about now. I can change that. I can do something about it!

But, I won't. Why?

Why am I willing to settle for mediocre when there is so much more I can do. I can be better than this. Do better than this. Need to get further along in my life than this.

It so much easier to stay down in the dumps. Keep gaining weight, keep feeling down. Why do I insist on feeling sorry for myself? What do I think I am going to gain from it.

Not a damn thing.

So I know these things to be true, I've put it out there. It's in the universe and written down for good measure.

Next step is, I need to change me.

How exactly do I make that happen?

I don't know. I'm going to give it a try. Starting now...

I'll keep you posted when I get it clearer in mind. And I will get it clearer because I am going to post it here. That will help me hold myself accoutable because I have to write it down where someone other than myself will read it.

Check in with me. Let me know what you think as you follow me along this new journey.

Travel

2009-04-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes
I stand in the front yard
watching planes land
in the distance
at LAX

I imagine family
anxiously awaiting
the arrival
of those on the 747
flying overhead.

Or the destination
in store for
passengers
whose flight
floats
over the ocean
after takeoff.

Can I go too?

Regret

2009-04-23T10:25:00.001-07:00

I shouldn't have
turned
my back
walking away
as you called
my name

I shouldn't have
lost my temper
and listened
as you tried
to explain

I shouldn't have
assumed you
were being dishonest
as you were telling
the truth

I shouldn't
have left you
all alone
wondering, waiting, expecting
companionless

I
should
not
have

Left my love
behind

Haiku

2009-04-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sunflower seeds planted
Flowers grow 6 feet tall, faces wide
Squirrels eat them all.

Betrayal

2009-04-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

Walking through the party
headed towards a group
of old friends

Laughter, snickers
comments on the side
"only because he's tall..." or "won't play..." or "he'll ride the pine"

Heard from
your boys
those who said
they had
your back

"I'll go places you will never see"
Head held high
turn around and walk away
confidently and with stregnth

Always know
who your friends are
Some one will betray you
and the surprise,
it's never
who you think.

Love poem/Anti Love Poem prompt

2009-04-14T11:53:00.001-07:00

Love togetherness
Pretty and passionate
Forever they say
No more

In Reverence of Fridays

2009-04-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

IN REVERENCE OF FRIDAYS

Friday morning is the only day
during the workweek
that I wake up smiling
Friday

Happily jumping into the shower
earlier in the office
sooner the day will end
Friday

Payday
falls
on every other
Friday (Hee, Hee)

Working doggedly through lunch time
knowing that afternoon
concentration is shot
looking foreward
to the evening
Friday

Why oh why
Do we get
only one
Friday
per week

Clean

2009-04-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

Starting early
just after sunrise
Looking out of the kitchen window
feeling the suns rays shine on my face
energizes me for the day

Mop bucket, gloves, mop, broom,
dust pan, Mr Clean, good old bleach
My tools to get me through the process

Starting with the mess left in the kitchen
by the teenagers who've raided the refrigerator
after I've gone to bed the night before

But, I smile
It will be
clean very soon

Spraying down the granite counters
scrubbing the porcelain sink
sweeping in all the corners
behind the cookbook rack
under the table
nothing can be missed

On my knees with the scrubbing pad
hitting those bad spots on the tile floor
and the soda someone spilled last night
only haphazardly swiping the mess around
sticky no longer, once I am done

Cleaning out the refrigerator
dumping last weeks unused produce
cursing because of the waste
realizing not much left in there after that
grocery store, next on the to do list

Standing at the end of the kitchen
admiring the gleaming countertops, stove and floor
enjoying the clean smell in the room
I turn towards the family room/office
and groan

More cleaning to do

"The problem with..." prompt

2009-04-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

The problem with believing in you
completely
is the dissapointment that
always
follows your actions
or lack thereof

The problem with giving you
all of me
is you don't know
really
what that means.
or how to give
your all to me
in return

The problem with trying
too hard
to communicate with you
is the nagging, throbbing
on the side
of my head
felt each evening
when it's time
to rest

The problem with me
is that I've done
nothing
nothing
nothing
to change
any of it.

Poetry prompt

2009-04-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

I was lazy today. Well, not lazy, just really busy at work. So I didn't take the time to write a new poem for the daily prompt. You should check it out. There are some very cool poems there.

http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/April+PAD+Challenge+Day+2.aspx

Today's was an outsider poem and I chose to use one I wrote about two years ago and posted here.

Remember this one?:

My fantasy
I see you
when I close my eyes
feel your lips
next to mine
my heart beat
quickens
in anticipation
sweaty palms
bated breath
the scent of you
overwhelming

I reach out to you
lightly holding your hand
fearing anything more
will spin my mind
out of control
we walk together
barely touching
stopping along the path
"enough already"
you say
pulling me close
oh
so
close
your lips touch mine
and I can't breath
I can't think
I see colors

slowly, softly
you stop
backing away
far away
until you are gone

and I awaken
reaching for you
until I realize
it was only a dream
again

It's actually one of my favorites. I am excited to see what tomorrow's prompt will be.

Originally

2009-04-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Origin
of my undying
love
spotted across
the crowded
room

Two eyes of brown
focused
solely on me
conveying
love/lust
at first sight

20 years ago
this month
it began

Writing

2009-04-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to participate int he April Poem prompt to get my writing jumpstarted again.

I'm excited. Let me know what you think.

Do you like who you are?

2008-12-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

This is a tough question for me.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am outside of my kids, so I can't really answer if I like myself.

I mean, I love that I am an involved parent. I love being the team mom, or when the kids were younger, being the "kool-aid house" on the block. That was so much fun! I knew where my kids were and who they were hanging with.

I kept extra popsicles in the freezer and never left the market without 6 packages of hot dogs and buns. No kid ever left my house hungry. Often, I would have drop kids off when it was dark since half the time their parents had no idea where they were.

So, I like those things about me. But, overall I'm not so sure.

I guess I will have t0 think on this one and come back to it. That is a damn shame.

Questions to myself

2008-12-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

Ladylee posted questions that someone asked themself on their blog. I thought asking/answering those questions for myself might be a really good way to move forward.

I really need to put some thought into who I am. So here goes question 1:

Who am I?

My first repsonse is that I am my childrens mother and my husband's wife. While that is all fine and good, it really doesn't say beans about me as a person.

I am a good hearted person, but difficult to be friends. I don't have the time to go shopping or hang out with a friend. My family takes way too much of my time. As you can see from my comment above, they define who I am.

And for right now, that isn't abad thing to me. It will change in 3 years. That's when the last one goes off to college. Actually, it will change significantly when the middle one goes to the summer college program in June. Then I 'm down to one kid who plays on a competitive team that travels.

So, we are back to who am I....

A gardner. I love the feel of good soil in my hands. I love to plant seeds and watch things grow a few weeks later. My best summer gardens are a reflection of the amount of stress I had at work during the spring. All the negative energy went into digging, plowing, planting and weeding. I lvoed every minute of it.

A baker. Nothing makes me happier than opening a cook book and trying a new recipe. I get so excited when I want to try and bake somehting and I have all the ingredients in the cabinet! I rarely do anything on a whim, so having everything I need in place let's me do that.

I've rambled on and on yet still have not answered the question of who I am. I think I am going to leave this one alone for now. I'll come back to try and tackle it again later.

Stay tuned for the next question:

Do you like who you are?

Hmm, should be interesting.

2008-04-14T13:54:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile

2008-04-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't ventured around these parts in a long time.

I will be back. I've got lots to say.

AFI top 100 meme

2007-10-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

My boss really annoyed me with an email comment on the way out yesterday. It's still bothering me, so I'm going to waste company time. Enjoy the meme

AFI's top 100 movies. Bold the ones you have seen. Strike out the ones you couldn't finish. * the ones you have seen more than once.

1. Citizen Kane (1941)
2. The Godfather *
3. Casablanca (1942)
4. Raging Bull (1980)
5. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
6. Gone with the Wind (1939)
7. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
8. Schindler’s List (1993)
9. Vertigo (1958
10. The Wizard of Oz (1939)
11. City Lights (1931)
12. The Searchers (1956)
13. Star Wars (1977) *
14. Psycho (1960) *
15. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
16. 2001 : A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. The Graduate (1967)*
18. The General (1927)
19. On the Waterfront (1954)
20. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)*
21. Chinatown (1974)*
22. Some Like It Hot (1959)
23. The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
24. E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982) * -
25. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) *
26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
27. High Noon (1952)
28. All About Eve (1950)
29. Double Indemnity (1944)
30. Apocalypse Now (1979)
31. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
32. The Godfather Part II (1974)
33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
35. Annie Hall (1977)
36. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
37. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)
38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
39. Dr. Strangelove (1964)
40. The Sound of Music (1965)
41. King Kong (1933)
42. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
43. Midnight Cowboy (1969)
44. The Philadelphia Story (1940)
45. Shane (1953)
46. It Happened One Night (1934)
47.A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
48. Rear Window (1954)*
49. Intolerance (1916)
50. Lord of the Rings : The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
51. West Side Story (1961) *- My all-time favorite musical.
52. Taxi Driver (1976)
53. Deer Hunter, The (1978)
54. M*A*S*H (1970)
55. North by Northwest (1959)
56. Jaws (1975)
57. Rocky (1976)
58. The Gold Rush (1925)
59. Nashville (1975)
60. Duck Soup (1933)
61. Sullivan’s Travels (1941)
62. American Graffiti (1973)
63. Cabaret (1972)
64. Network (1976)
65. The African Queen (1951)
66. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) *
67. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
68. Unforgiven (1992)*
69. Tootsie (1982)*
70. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
71. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
72. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) *
73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
74. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
75. In the Heat of the Night (1967)*
76. Forrest Gump (1994) *
77. All the President’s Men (1976)*
78. Modern Times (1936)
79. The Wild Bunch (1969)
80. The Apartment (1960) - Brilliant.
81. Spartacus (1960)
82. Sunrise (1927)
83. Titanic (1997) *
84. Easy Rider (1969)
85. A Night at the Opera (1935)
86. Platoon (1986)
87. 12 Angry Men (1957)
88. Bringing Up Baby (1938)
89. The Sixth Sense (1999) *
90. Swing Time (1936)
91. Sophie’s Choice (1982)
92. Goodfellas (1990)* Love this movie
93. The French Connection (1971)
94. Pulp Fiction (1994)
95. The Last Picture Show (1971)
96. Do the Right Thing (1989)*
97. Blade Runner (1982)
98. Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)
99. Toy Story (1995)*
100. Ben-Hur (1959)

I can't believe how many of these movies I hae seen.

...and life goes on

2007-10-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a while since I posted.

I didn't mean to be away for so long.

But, shit happens. All the damn time. And I just couldn't figure out how to get it off my chest. How to express myself, but not come off as just bitching about something I could change. Or can I? I don't know.

We had to move in September. And, honestly, it turned out to be a good thing. We got decent money for a house that needed major work and we could no longer afford. We paid off debts. A shit load of them. We also paid a chunk of our daughter's college tuition for the first semester. I paid two credit cards off, completely. And got caught up on others.

So, now I am in minimal debt with a little bit of money left over to spare. That's a good thing. I know, I get it.

But, I'd been in that house for 12 years. I'd been in that city/town/area since 1971. I miss knowing where things are in the local Ralphs. I liked going to the same dry cleaner/deli/pharmacy. I really didn't have any friends near by or family for that matter. Still, I miss it.

I would also have a bigger chunk of money left if I didn't believe so much in my proving to be useless husband. I try to cut him some slack, give him the benefit of the doubt. But, he does exactly what I know he will do with the money everythime I give it to him. Even with all the promises, swears, anger, tears, begging.

He does the same damn thing.

Almost everytime. Without fail.

I'm enabeling him to do it. It's my fault as much as his.

To come out on the better side of this situation, more major change may be in store.

That is just great....sigh

To a friend no longer

2007-04-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

You've decided to make a change. Good for you.
Go on about your business.

Don't tell lies
or make nasty remarks
Just
do you.

But, before you go
Let me make a few
suggestions

Clean up your own house
first
Don't open your mouth
about things you know
nothing about

And, most importantly
LISTEN
when your own
husband
tells you to shut your mouth
he actually knows
of what
he speaks

Things on my mind

2007-03-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

I worry too much.

I allow things
I can't control
to take my energy
to steal my joy

I allow people
I don't care about
push me to anger
to skew my focus

Often I am
debilitated by these
worries
unecessary concerns

Headaches abound
sleep is lost
important things
are forgotten
pushed aside

I prayed out loud
in the car this morning
begging the Lord
to take away
the anxiety
I seem intent on keeping

The issues on my mind
are important
somewhat
but not life or death
only inconvenient

There is backstabbing
going on
I can't control
and shouldn't be concerned with
it bothers me
it hurts my feelings

I have to let go and let God
And wherever
the chips may fall
that is where the Lord
planned for them
to be

And all my worries
won't have changed
a thing

My fantasy

2007-01-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

I see you
when I close my eyes
feel your lips
next to mine

my heart beat
quickens
in anticipation

sweaty palms
bated breath
the scent of you
overwhelming

I reach out to you
lightly holding your hand
fearing anything more
will spin my mind
out of control

we walk together
barely touching
stopping along the path

"enough already"
you say
pulling me close
oh
so
close

your lips touch mine
and I can't breath
I can't think
I see colors

slowly, softly
you stop
backing away
far away
until you are gone

and I awaken
reaching for you
until I realize
it was only a dream
again

After

2006-11-27T18:29:00.000-08:00

My daughter's surgery went well this morning. But, she's been having some problems with the Vicodin. She'd rather deal with the pain in her hand than take that medication. Can't say that I blame her.

The worst part of all of this, she will probably miss the entire basketball season and it's her senior year. She worked hard and had earned a starting position. I'm hoping she will heal enough to at least play on Senior Night which is February 12th, I think. She's a little bummed about missing this year, but plans on attending every game and many of the practices.

I'm proud of her for that. She is committed, if nothing else.

She's my baby.

One who is happily on her way to college. My prayer for her is that she gets accepted to enough schools to give herself lots to choose from.

I know the Lord has only good things in mind for her.

and worse

2006-11-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

We are scheduled for surgery on my daughter's right wrist on Monday at 10AM pst.

She has a more severe injury than originally thought and will have a screw inserted in the wrist to repair it. And will probably miss her entire senior year of basketball. Big bummer.

But, the blessing is that it can be repaired and that it was caught. Because if we had stayed with the urgent care diagnosis, we would be looking at twice as long to recover. Thank goodness for the trainer at school who knows his stuff.

Have a happy thanksgiving everyone!

so it gets worse...

2006-11-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

My daughter was referred to an orthopedic surgeon by the trainer at her school. An athletic trainer at a high school, you ask? Yes indeed.

Lucky for us the girls varsity coach is good frineds with a guy who is a trainer with the LA Galaxy soccer team. He volunteers and trains students to be athletic trainers at the daughter's school. He told me last night that he didn't like the way her hand looked and felt, so he wanted us to see this ortho. (I guess that's what all that tuition gets me, huh?)

I was able to get her an appointment for this afternoon. Well, my husband just calls to tell me she has a hairline fracture that can be repaired one of two ways:

A cast- worn for three months and the wrist may not completely heal properly

Surgery- a half hour procedure and she would be back at practice in as little as three weeks.

SURGERY!!! On my 17 year old baby. are you kidding me??!!

Of course, that is the option she wants to take. Quick, fast and in a hurry!

I'm waiting for my husband to talk to the surgeon and let me know when, where and how much.

oh yeah

happy thanksgiving

The lesson of listening

2006-11-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have this client who is often a pain in my butt. Lately I am beginning to understand why he can be so difficult.

He's in his mid 70's with a very ill wife. I think she has parkinson's and some dementia. So, he has that to contend with. He has worked for his employer for about 20 years. He is with a very well known non-profit. They do great work.

But he is also dealing with a mid-forties female boss who wants him out and a early 20's co-worker who thinks the only way to contact people is by email or text messaging. She doesn't understand the concept of picking up a phone and setting up face to face meetings. Or why relationships are so important to her position. She's the public relations/special events coordinator at a large non-profit. HELLO! She needs the local media FAR more than they can ever need or use her and the organization.

So, this little old man callls me this morning because he couldn't find my bosses, the department head, extension. I transfer the call to her office and he starts right in with his complaints. They don't listen to me around here, you didn't explain well enough what you wanted from me, you need to do more, faster and in a less expensive way. yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.

Then he proceeds to tell us some other confidential information about is boss and coworkers. And finished all of this by saying that he wants to resign in the next few months. That he ccouldn't deal with things there anymore and needed to leave.

Once he finished with his complaintes, he told us that his wife is dooing poorly and asked for our prayers that they travel safely from their home in Texas to see family in Colorado. He wanted help in praying that his wife would be able to make the trip. It's in 10 days. They're going to see her children and their favorite grandchildren. And he is really worried about his wife.

My point in blogging about this client and the conversation is because I realized that all he wanted was someone to listen to him, pray for him and to sympathise with him. And my boss was in a hurry to run from her office to another meeting. Notebook in hand, laptop on the notebook, heading to her door with the client on speakerphone. Ready to go.
I too was feeling a little put out as we have spoken to this man 2 times a day for about a week straight. I was thinking enough already.

If I can't give 20 or 30 minutes of my time to listen to someone in need, what kind of person amd I? Why am I not picking up on when the lord has sent someone to me for a kind word and genuine concern? What does that say about me and my christian principles?

I think it means that sometimes we need to stop, take a dep breath and just listen.

Monday

2006-11-06T17:00:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful that I woke up this morning.

And the rest of the day went down hill from there.

Tomorrow has got to be better.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-05T17:15:00.000-08:00

"We're happier people when we're aware of the blessings that surround us."

I read this very simple statement in Women's Day magazine last week and it has been on my mind ever since.

Often, I get so caught up in the day to day whining about what I don't have, I forget to be thankful what what I do have. I am thankful for the following:

A healthy family- I am always reading about the trials and tribulations of parents with chronically ill children. That has never been my existence. Thank you Jesus.

A well paying job- Could I make more, sure. Could I also not have a job at all, absolutely. I thank the Lord for that.

A good hearted husband- He gets on my last nerve and isn't always there emotionally when I would like him to be, but he loves me. And better yet, he loves our children.

A roof over my head- We almost didn't for a minute there, but the Lord has stepped in to keep that from happening.

A vehicle that runs- actually 3, but only one car note. You all know that is a HUGE blessing.

The list could go on, but I think along with the daily challenge of posting, i will list something that I am thankful for each day too.

Hope you all had a blessed day, I know I did.

day 4

2006-11-04T14:40:00.000-08:00

So, it's day 4 and I'm still posting. Even though I really don't have too much to say. My teenagers are hanging around and waiting to get on the computer.

It's really annoying the crap out of me and I can't think.

It's Saturday and I didn't have to be anyplace early this morning. I actually got to sleep in until about 9am. I never get to do that.

I did a little cleaning, not nearly as much as needs to be done. But, it's a start.

Time to do a some grocery shopping and decide on dinner for tonight and tomorrow.

Hope you all are having a good day.

Depending on you

2006-11-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

Phone calls to be made.
Bills to be paid.
Problems to be dealt with.

Where are you
in all of this
What are you
handling
When
can I
ever
depend
on
you

Will you
carry
your full load
or even
your own
weight
again

you used to
do that
so well

I never worried
about
paying a bill
making calls
handling problems

many times
you headed them
off
at the pass
never
for me
to
hear about
or deal
with

can I have
those days
that man
my old friend
back

30 days, 30 posts

2006-11-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

I swiped this from idea from Chele. It sounded like a good challenge.

I really need to work a little harder on my writing and maybe trying to meet the challenge of posting everyday for 30 days will help me to achieve that goal.

Please bear with me as I have no idea what you may find when you come here each day. I hope that some things are interesting for you to read. And for those things that aren't, oh well.

On another note, today is the beginning of the busiest time of year for my cleints. Therefore it is one of the busiest times for me. As stressful as it will be, it will also be a blessing for many people, and I am happy to be a part of it.

Here's to many blessings for many people.

it's about me

2006-10-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this happened to me.
And I know you couldn't do anything
to prevent it.
I only wanted you
to hold me
afterward
Just hold my hand, rub my back,
put both arms around me
and hug me
close
make me feel safe again.

you couldn't do that
not that one little thing
for me

I don't ask you for anything
not money
not time
not even honesty
anymore

you couldnt do it
not that one thing
for me

This was not a time
for you to feel
sorry
for yourself
everything that goes on
around us
isn't about you
sometimes
every once in a while
it's about
me

But you couldn't do it
not that one thing
just this once
just
for
me

Boys and earrings

2006-10-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

My 16 year old son wants and earring and we've told him no. He's been bugging us about it for a couple of years now. Below is the essay he sent me today trying to convince me to change my mind. It's hilarious! I've kept his spelling, grammar and punctuation errors for all to see.

Why I should get an earring

There are many different reasons why I want to have an earring. There are also some reasons why I think I deserve having an earring. Earrings aren¡¯t a gangster look it is a look that makes young men look more presentable. I am 16 years old and I think that I am old enough to get an earring. Also I think that girls like guys who have earring because it looks nice on them.

Earrings on males use to show that a young man is becoming older and is showing his maturity. In Africa after a male turn the age 15 he would get his ear pierced to show that he was becoming an adult. The people in his village would now treat him as an adult rather than a child. He receives more respect. Now earrings are put on a young mans ear for many different reasons and I don¡¯t believe that looking like a gang banger is one of them or else women wouldn¡¯t put them on there 6 or 7 year old child.

At the age of 16 I think I should be able to get an earring though I haven¡¯t been through a lot of things in life I still think I deserve it. I wouldn¡¯t present myself in away that I may look like a gang banger I would present myself in a way as I dress now. Simpler and neater. I think I really want an earring not just to be like everyone else. But to be my own self. I know that a lot of young African American males have earrings and I would look like another one of them but I will think of myself as different. I will also think of myself different because I am 6¡¯8¡± and wear a size 18 shoe.

Young woman these days think that guys with earrings are cute or ¡°hot¡± and I like girls to think of me and have those descriptions in there heads. Its not that girls don¡¯t think im cute now ( I mean come on) but this will improve my chance with a beautiful and intelligent young woman. There¡¯s not much more to say in this paragraph because its not a strong argument.

In conclusion I really want an earring. It will show maturity and it will make me look more presentable. I want this so bad that I really just sat here and wrote you an essay why I think I deserve it and hopefully you will let me get an earring. Hopefully this will change your maind about letting me have one.

Here was my response:

My son,

You are too funny!

As much as I have to give you credit for such a well thought out essay, I must take you to task for the spelling and grammatical errors. You should have used spell check and double checked your punctuation before sending.

That being said, this essay is not enough to convince me that an earring is something you need at this time in your life. Although you state that you don’t want one to be like everyone else, I don’t see anything in your argument that proves otherwise.

Also, an earring will not necessarily enhance your looks, but may actually detract from them. Any girl who can’t appreciate you for who and what you currently are, isn’t worth your time and effort.

But, I am not the one you need to convince, that is your Dad. And you know that very well. Give him a copy of this essay and see what he thinks.

Good Luck!! And I Love you very much.

Mom

Change is the only constant in life

2006-09-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

We went to San Diego for the holiday weekend. I wanted to get away for my birthday, but not be required to do anything other than lay in the sun at the pool. I was able to do that more than I ever anticipated.

I realized this weekend that I no longer have small children who constantly want and need my attention. They don't wake up early in anticipation of the day, cajoling me to get them to the pool as soon as humanly possible. I don't get in the pool and play games or brib them out of the pool to rub them down with sun screen.

This time around, the husband and I walked around the bay each morning and had breakfast. Just the two of us. It was nice, don't get me wrong. But it felt really weird. Is this what life will be like when they're all out of the house?

We had to threaten our 17 year old daughter with physical violence to get her off the computer and out of the hotel room for a few hours.

Our 16 year old son, who is a budding celebrity in his own mind, wouldn't leave the room unless his clothing and shoes matched to a tee. Not an easy thing to do because he is pushing size 19 shoes on his 6'8" frame. But at least he swam and rode a tandem bike with his younger brother.

Only the 13 year old, who still loves being a kid, enjoyed swimming, biking and riding his scooter. He wasn't up at the crack of dawn, like he used to be, but he didn't sleep away half the day either. He at least needed me to bring him a towel and a taco for a snack out at the pool.

I honestly couldn't wait until they were old enough do their own thing, but I terribly miss the family time we spent together when they were younger. Like chele said, I can't believe they don't need me anymore.

Wow, things seem to have changed overnight.

You and I

2006-07-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sitting
queitly
in the backyard
with you
(a very rare occurance)
was wonderful

reading
watching the kids
from next door
jumping
on the trampoline

watching you
annoyed
swatting the numerous
flies away
I smiled
because
finally
I was
at rest
at peace
not worrying
about what comes
next

And the essence
of who you are
really
showed in your
smile
touch
sweet kisses
making me feel
If we try
a little harder
we might survive
together
after all

Another weekend passes in a blur

2006-06-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not a great writer. Or even a really good one for that matter.
So much goes on in my life each day that I want to talk about. But I 'm not always sure how to express that here in this forum.

I am going through such a difficult time in my life. I feel like I want to write about it, talk about it. Mostly, it comes out in the form of poems. They seem to best allow me my self expression.

Weekends
are killing me
slowly

Not because they
are boring
but
because they are
overwhelming

Running from gym to gym
calling kids
filling in score sheets
arranging snacks
or other parents
to arrange snacks

keeping my cool
when people are too hard on my kid
when I am too hard
on my kid

rising at 6am to get to the gym by
8am for the days first game
last game time 730pm
later that evening
a concert for the middle child
birthday party for the youngest
and a tournament 2 hours away
for the oldest

and it begins again
early Sunday morning
home by 930p that night
no laundry done
no floors vacummed
no bathrooms cleaned
all need to be done
all falls on me

"so don't go every weekend"
"you don't have to be at every game"
others say to me
but they don't know
understand
the consequneces of those actions
it's more exhausting,
that conversation,
that fight

I trudge on
beginning to resent
the time required
to keep my kids
busy
out of trouble
with no time
just
for
me

Please Lord
don't let me become
the bad mom
who's never there
Who stops going,
participating
simply because
I am tired

2006-05-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

I keep telling myself
that today
is the last day
the last hour
the last minute
that I will
continue
to deal with
the bullshit
that is
you

And yet
I am still
here

What is my excuse?

I make
more money
I'm smarter
I know that
I can do this
on my own

But
I don't want to
because
I love
you

I gues I know
That if I had to
I could
But I haven't
so far
because I didn't need to
do it
on my own
until now

The scary part is
that time has
arrived

The fool that is me

2006-03-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

Your lies
told on a daily basis
tear at my very
being
taking away
the easy going
carefree
trusting
woman
I have always been

I know better
Yet, I continue
to let you
do this to me

Who's the fool...

It was like bein' at home

2006-01-16T15:28:00.000-08:00

That's what Grandma said to me when she was leaving. After spending 3 days shopping, as much as she could, eating and sleeping with me and mine.

She felt like she was at home.
There is no higher compliment, is there?

I have 20 first cousins and my Grandmother has the ability to make each of us feel as if we are her favorite. Don't know how she does it, but she does. There have been long distance telephone calls debating this subject. Many times. Mostly, because I know it's me! And them trifiling cousins of mine and my brother ain't tryin' to hear it! HA!

We went shopping early Friday morning. No place special. TJ Max, Big Lots and the mall. We went to my daughter's bball game Friday night. Our girls won and Grandma had a ball. And so did my girl, having her Great Grandmother at a game for the very first time. How cool is that?

Saturday we shopped some more, but her knee got too stiff so we cut it short. She relaxed on the couch and watched TV while the husband and I went to our oldest sons two bball games. We had fried shrimp for dinner from the local fish place. It was good.

Grandma can't get up and go like she used to, but otherwise, she's still the same.

Sunday morning, she peeled potatoes while I fried bacon and scrambled eggs. My aunt and her husband where coming back to pick up Grandma and take her with them back to SD.

I am so blessed to have had the time to spend with her. Even when we sat in the same room, not saying much of anything. Just watching her crochet her wash clothes. She was there. And that's all that counts.

Grandma

2006-01-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

My grandmother is coming to stay with me for the weekend. It gives her a break from my Aunt.

There are things I have to get used to. She's getting older and sometimes that's hard to remember. I miss the times she'd come to visit and call me to take her yard sale shopping or to pick n save. She's not one for big department stores. She loves a good bargain.

She can't get around like she used to. The arthritis in her knee is so bad at times, she's had to be rushed to the hospital twice in the last two weeks to have fluid drainded. She currently has a knee brace, a cane and a walker that she refuses to use.

I'll have to remind her to take pain medication, blood pressure medication and diabetes meds. She hates takin' those things.

I have to hit the market on the way home and buy stuff to make margaritas. She loves when I make them. But, she forgets that I made them best when I was a bartender 20 years ago. But, I'll make them for her anyway because my aunt hates when I do.

I'm hoping she will be in the mood to help me make tamales and show me how to crochet. And I really want her to see the kids games this weekend. One Friday evening and the other Saturday afternoon.

But, I'll be content to sit around and watch TV if that is all she is able to do.

And drink our margaritas.

Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have had enough of the ridiculous news coverage of this event. This is what I see, how about you?

White victim: looking sad, searching through the debris, trying to find loved ones.

Black person: laughing, running around looting stores. runnning with electronics and clothes

OR

Black person: screaming into the camera, something incoherent, looking like a complete idiot

New Orleans is about 68% African American . In my humble opinion, that's why help hasn't arrived more quickly. And why the skewed news coverage persists.

That's why congress might get back to work tomorrow to release additional funds to FEMAS to help.

That's why the National Guard is willing to drop water and food supplies from 20 feet in the air, instead of landing and treating people with respect.

That's why the death toll will rise in epic terms due to the delays in help arriving.

That's why no one has come up with a way to finally fix the breach in the levees.

That's why New Orleans will never recover to be the grand city it once was.

Because all these terribly poor black folks live there, and no one cares.

That's why...

Meme that X stole

2005-08-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

I liked this meme, so I thought I'd share.

A is for Age - 41 next week (9/2/??)
B is for Beverage - Chardonnay
C is for Career - Marketing Manager/Director of Broadcast
D is for Dad’s name -Thomas
E is for Essential items to bring to a party - me
F is for Favorite song at the moment - 1 thing
G is for Goof off thing to do - read blogs
H is for Hometown - 'Dena
I is for Instrument you play - flute, when I was in high school
J is for Jam or Jelly you like - Welch's grape
K is for Kids - I have 3. 2 boys and a girl
L is for Living arrangement - small 3 bedroom house that needs work
M is for Mom’s name - Hellen
N is for Names of best friends - My honey and Dana
O is for overnight hospital stays -one for each kid, 2 surgeries= 5.
P is for Phobias - snakes
Q is for Quote you like - "I love you as midnight loves teh moon"
R is for Relationship that lasted longest - Coach C. 24 years, 17 married.
S is for Siblings -one younger brother. He's the bomb
T is for Texas , Ever been? - Nope.
U is for Unique trait - I can argue about any topic at the drop of a hat.
V if for Vegetable you love - Asparagus
W is for Worst trait - I have to be right
X - is for XRays you’ve had - Hip, hand, finger,teeth
Y is for Yummy food you make - Fried chicken
Z is for Zodiac sign - Virgo

10 favorite songs

2005-08-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone is tagging folks with the five questions or ten songs tag. It got me to thinking about some of my favorite songs, so I decided to share with you all.

1.) Never too much- Luther Vandross
I heard this song for the first time the summer I met my future husband. It, and just about any Luther song, as been "ours" since then.

2.) Emotional Rollercoaster- Vivian Greene
Because I am such a moody person and tend to drop into depressions. This song feeds right into it.

3.) I can't make you love me- Bonnie Raitt
I am a sucker for slow songs. More reason to pity myself.

4.) Ready or Not- After 7
One of my all time favorites because I had a crush on one of the brothers. I never remember names, so I don't know his. But he sang lead the most.

5.) Again, Pleasure Principle, You want this, Anytime - Janet Jackson
Because it's Janet.

6.) Take a look at me now, Take me home, In the air tonight- Phill Collins
Because he is the man

7.) If you love me- Brownstone
These ladies have talent. I wish they had been bigger stars.

8.) Anything for you- Gloria Estefan
I've always loved Gloria.

9.) I'd die without you- PM Dawn
I like Spandau Ballet and thought this was a cool way to sample the song. Besides, the words of this are wonderful.

10.) Nothing can come between us- Sade
Who didn't love Sade.

emotional rollercoaster

2005-08-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

I love that song.

I am so feelin' these lyrics right now:

yesterday, I told myself
I was gonna be ok
gonna start a new day
truley happy
I was gonna take control of me
be eventually
reality hit me
mentally, physically, emotionally
that I opened my eyes
and realized
that I was still bein' taken
for a constant ride
on your
emotional rollercoaster
your love was never healthy for me

I can't type another word that would express how I feel anymore than the ones above.

Wore out

2005-08-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

I have been dealing with a lot of headaches lately.

I know they're stress related.

We have been on the go constantly for weeks. It feels like the only time I get to sit is 5 minutes before bed time. By then I'm ready to pass out. And he wants to have sex.

Before I know it, the alarm clock is going off and I feel like I haven't slept and I'm starting all over again.

This morning I woke up knowing I couldn't get out of the bed and go to work. I called my assistant and told her I wasn't coming in. An hour later she calls and tells me we have a conference call and I need to be there.

I have her schedule the call for 1pm, hoping I can pull it together by then. I drag my butt out of bed and get to the office by 11AM to prepare documents for the call. I can't see straight and I can't concentrate. I really have no idea what was discussed.

I'm finally done with the call and the many problems I had to deal with in between. I am going home now.

I've had enough for today.

Story number one from Vegas

2005-08-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

Why did one of our high school parents send her son with another mom, who had 3 boys of her own, sent him with $60 for 6 days and 5 nights?? $60 to buy three meals a day and snacks. And then proceeded to ask the other parent to give her triflin' son more money. And the boy was rude, obnoxius and an overall pain in the ass to this other parent. And his teamates and other kids, and....

He was so bad that the woman who took him along with her family told him "I know where the bus station is and will gladly drop your ass off and wave bye as the bus leaves!! I do not play. Do not mess with me. " Unfortunately, that threat didn't help. Or the one from my husband, or the other coaches.

And the parent of "Damien" said she didn't understand what the problem was, he was never that way with her. Oy vey.

More to come....

Life gets in the way

2005-08-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to have disappeared for so long. I'm trying to get back to blogging.

We have been so busy with basketball tournaments, summer school and work.

I can't get to the computer at home between the two teenagers. They can barely share it between themselves. And work has been so busy, I haven't been able to sneak a few minutes to update my blog.

I will come back in a few days. I have some stories to tell about the dysfunctional families I have to deal with through the world of youth sports. You won't believe it.

Love that child

2005-06-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my boys participated in their promotion ceremonies. One from 6th grade the other from 8th grade.

The 6th grades was really cute. Kids dressed in black and white, smiling in the sun. My son recieved a certificate for perfect attendance and never missing a homework assignment the entire school year. I was so proud, tears were streming down my face.

The director of the school used such wonderful adjectives to describe my child, I didn't know who she could possibly have been speaking of. Her words were, sweet, generous, loving with a smile always on his face. And a ready greeting of hello.

Who, my child?? Not the one who pouts when I tell him to clean his room, or gets cranky when he is tired? She couldn't be talking about that boy who can wear the same short outfit day after day if I don't hide it from him? That kid?

Yup, my son. And I am SO proud of him, and I always will be.

Be an involved parent

2005-06-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

My husband coaches travel basketball teams. Three to be exact. And two middle school teams.

We are planning a trip to Las Vegas to participate in a 5 day tournament at the end of July. I have have given out the dates, hotel accomodation information and costs since March. About once a week, I've handed out a flyer or memo that had this information.

I've given the information so many times, some parents roll their eyse when they see me coming with "another piece of paper".

We have a block of 30 rooms set aside for our teams at the hotel. So I call to see how many familes have made reservations... 11. That includes my two rooms.

As I start to question parents, I get, "oh yeah, I have to call and do that" or, "oh, I've never recieved that information". Or my personal favorite, "I never really read any of your memo's, so I didn't know what I was supposed to do".

Some of there parents don't want to go. They want to send their child with me, so we can be responsible for their bad assed boy for 5 days. They don't want to take vacation time for a basketball tournament in Las Vegas. Most of them just don't want to pay for the hotel and tournament fees.

Why not? I have to!! And I'm not going to be pulling money out of my pocket to feed your kid because you gave them $20.00 for the week!

But, what kills me is that these kids have been looking forward to this tournament for almost a year. They are so excited. And now some of them are getting really down because they may not get to go.

Now I feel obligated to reserve rooms and figure out how to pay for them so some of these boys can go. Part of the reason we did this team was to reach out in our community and touch kids who usually couldn't participate. We try not to make money an issue.
But it really pisses me off when some parents don't even make a small effort to be there for their children.

I will never understand why people have kids and then choose not to be involved with them.

the darkness

2005-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I feel a dark mood coming on. Like a mild depression, but something I can't seem to keep from happening.

This one feels like it will hit me full swing tonight. I don't want to drink my way through it again.

I've been drinking too much. Too many glasses of wine each night. I'm trying to cut back, but once I open a bottle, it's on.

My weight has jumped up 15 pounds because of the drinking. And because I eat too much junk in the evenings.

It makes me feel better. It's easier to ignore the lump on the opposite end of the coach. The one who continues to lie to me. The one I allow to lie to me.

The one who gets mad at me for his stupidity. The one who makes me feel that I am unable to live on my own, when I'm the one supporting the family.

I keep waiting for him to snap out of it. To be the man I married. To be the man I know he is capable of being. He's afraid of something and I don't know what.

I don't think I really care anymore.

And that bothers me.

too long

2005-05-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

I don't post often enough. I 'm trying to do better.

I often check in on folks I like to read and get discouraged when they don't post.

If they are such great writers, and don't update, what am I supposed to do?

After this weekend, my goal is to post every other day. Even if it is only to say, HI!

Of course, I say this as I enter my busiest time of the year at work. And summer coming, so I have to keep the kids busy, and, somehow, get in my garden.

But, I can do it, and I will.

I have lots to say.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend.

for my baby on her 16th birthday

2005-04-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

My daughter turned 16 today. I can't believe it.

I remember being pregnant with her and feeling her move for the first time. Relaxing on the couch, my husband laying his head on my very large belly, talking to her, playing music for her.

I remember three days of labor with that child and being so relieved from torture when the doctor gave me the epidural.

I remember holding her in my arms for the very first time, after my mother "Grammy" counted all of her fingers and toes. And called her name. "A...." She actually tried to move her head in the direction of Grammy's voice.

I remember a quiet baby who only cried when hungry, dirty or tired. One who liked to look around and listen to Jonathon Butler and Anita Baker.

I remember her walking at 9 months, and our worlds changing forever after that.

I remember the first birthday and that cute little dress with the minnie mouse sandals that she wouldn't take off her feet for anything.

I remember a 16 month old who was ready to be potty trained because she wanted to wear "Little Mermaid" panties. She never wet them, not once.

I remember her learning to read at age 4 and never looking back. To this day, I can't buy books fast enough.

I remember the kindergartner who was going to be placed in first grade, but she was too shy to make friends.

I remember the first student of the month award and all the academic awards that followed.

I remember the acceptance letters to the private schools we were considering for junior high and high school. She decided where she wanted to go. We had long debates about that. She still won.

I remember the first day in that completely new environment, but she loved every minute of it.

I remember hugging her this morning, wishing her happy birthday, holding back tears. And being so proud of her.

I will cherish all of these memories and many more.

I will always remember.

Constantly on the move

2005-04-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Saturday stared with the alarm clock blaring at 530AM. The daughter had a track meet two hours away and needed to be at her school to catch the team bus by 630AM. Gee, thanks.

We went from there to the boys school to help set up for a pancake breakfast and enrollment festival. I think it was about 645AM when we arrived at there.

We left the school at 8AM driving for 45 minutes to a 2 day basketball tournament. The first of the 3 travel teams my husband coaches played at 9AM. Game times were 915a, 1145a, 1pm, 215p, 445p and 715pm. We lost every frickin' game!

I think we left the gym at 830PM. I don't know for sure. All I know is that is was dark outside.

We got home at 930pm I think, with 3 extra kids in tow. Parents weren't home or missed the pick up point. Whatever. I ordered pizza.

We got to bed by midnight and the damn alarm clock was jolting me awake by 6AM Sunday morning. 2 of the teams had 8AM games, the last one was to play at 1145AM. And to top it off the daughter had a game at 12N. I told her to find a ride.

The boys won two out of three games on Sunday, that was cool. And the daughter won one of two of her games. Coolness again.

I was so worn out, when we got home I collapsed on the couch. After I marinated some chicken to put in the roaster oven, mind you.

And then it was Monday. Holy crap.

The ritual of funerals

2005-03-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

sadness
dark colors
limosines

praying
singing
praying again

remembering
tributes
long goodbyes

beautiful day
on a hill
bright sunshine

final farewell

Harrassment that continues

2005-03-15T09:24:00.000-08:00

X, posted about this and I had too much to say to leave in her comment box.

She talked about remembering teacher's who may have been sexually harrassing girls in school. And how girls and even woman are still dealing with this issue and not speaking up.

It made me remember a few things I have dealt with in the past.

I was too tall and too skinny for any of the teachers, or boys for that matter, to pay any attention to me in high school. But, there was a track coach in JR college that always had his hands on girls. Always tried to pat me on my butt. Always. I would look for him before I would leave the field to make sure he was at the other end before I left.

And there was also the old track star who comes back to the high schools and volunteers to help coach. He was a leacherous old man then, and nearly 25 years later he still is now.

There was also the photographer who took the senior pictures. Everyone went to this man. Even though all the girls knew he would touch your boobs if you had any to speak of. I was flat chested, so he looked but didn't try to touch. I think some father must have gotten wind of it because he suddenly went out of business about 5 or 10 years after I graduated.

And then there was the manager at the restaurant I worked at when I was about 21. Untied my skirt once. He never did that mess again. But he obviously had gotten away with it before. Or the other manager, at the same restaurant, who ony wanted me to wear the cocktail waitress skirt because it was so short and I had long legs.

I never told anyone about any of these thing because, maybe I misunderstood or was being too sensitive. Also, back then (I am pretty old) no one talked about sexual harrassment at all. It was just a joke, no harm no foul.

Really, then why do I remember these things like they happened yesterday?

Here's my 1 short of 100

2005-03-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

One Shy of 100...
Easy Way Out Part II:

INSTRUCTIONS:1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

========================================================================
01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days (i'm a TVaholic)
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (blind as a fucking bat)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana (it stinks)
09. I've watched porn movies - (the hubby loves that crap)
10. I have been in a threesome -
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently (see #6)
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have hobbies
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free -
26. I need money right now- who doesn't?
27. I love Sushi (like maybe)
28. I talk really, really fast - sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas- come on my parents retired there.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis (at least I shouled)
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past -
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Diaryland.
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer - not at all...
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother- I wish I looked that good!
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before (I sure as hell wanted to!)
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club( WHO??)
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie -
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party (but no drugs, I'm a wimp)
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "SouthPark" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online - everyday
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum -
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist -
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

2005-03-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

I'm trying very hard to pull myself from the terrible funk I have been in.
It really is about time for the pitty party to end.

My friend Dana warned me that this would be a difficult phase of my life for the next year or two. Apparently, the wierd assed planet Uranus, is lurking through my 1st house which has to do with self.

When Uranus is exerting it's influence in that house, things radically change in your life. Even if you are content with the mess it may be in, you are forced to change. Or forever be an unfullfilled person.

Well, God didn't put any of us here without a purpose. We all need to determine what ours is. That's what I am trying to do now.

I'm not sure where to begin this process, but it's beginning. I feel it in my bones.
I think I will go through the 40 day process in "The Purpose Driven Life" and see what direction God leads me in from there.

Pray for me peoples. Pray for stregnth, the ability to listen, and faith. I need it.

How

2005-03-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

How do you part 16 years of marriage and 23 years of a relationship without dying inside?

How do you heal from losing the best friend you've had for most of you adult life?

How do you smile when the one who knows you best, doesn't really know you at all?

How do you stop the tears from flowing all the time?

How do you continue to concentrate on everyday things?

How do you sleep at night for more than 2 or 3 hours?

How do you move on

alone?

liar

2005-02-23T10:12:00.000-08:00

i'm tired of your lies
i can, no longer
believe in you
trust you

talking to you
looking you
in the eye
knowing
you've lied to me
and
you move forward
in conversation
as if nothing
has happened
no harm
no foul

much damage
has been done
my heart
hurts

Who's child are you?

2005-02-07T14:35:00.001-08:00

I took my daughter shopping on Wednesday after I picked her up from school. She had taken her last midterm and was done by 1030A, so I decided to take an early lunch and hang out.

We went to TJ Maxx and she found one pair of pants and some shoes I talked her into. I found some things for me too, so that was even better.

Then we ventured into her favorite little cheapy place. We bought a bunch of tshirts and one pair of pants. Next on the list was Mervyn's. I had to exchange a few things and buy pants for my youngest son. We looked for pants for her. She didn't really see anything she liked. Then she said, "Mom, I don't need anything else. Can we stop now?" WHAT!!?? Stop now!! We've only just begun..

I don't know who this child belongs to, but she can't be mine. And she certainly isn't apart of any family that includes the shopaholic Brown women. My mother and grandmother are known for closing down stores. And when my Aunt V was living, well, no one out shopped her. She was known as the only woman who could shop and beat her children's asses at the same time.( 3 people mentioned this at her funeral, that's how tough she was) And she didn't miss a beat. On either task. I didn't appreciate shopping with her until I was an adult. Wonder why?

So, we bought something for lunch and went back to my office for the remainder of a boring day. It was so depressing. But not for her. She spent money downloading music to her MP3 player.
What is that about?!!

What's next? I'm whining in this post

2005-02-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

(You have been forewarned.)

That's the question of my life at this point in time.

I'm in a rut. I have no idea what to do next.

I'm 40 years old, so starting a career in a new field doesn't appeal to me. I do not want to start from the bottom, nor can I afford to.

I'd like to take my experience and work on the client side of the business. But, I need the following things to make me happy:

1.) I want to telecommute 2-3 days a week
2.) Keep or raise my current salary
3.) Get more than 4 sick/personal days a year
4.) A decent matching 401k plan
5.) Schedule flexibility so I can attend my kids high school bball games.

I'm not asking for much.

The problem is that to go to the client side would require me to work for a non-profit organization. They cannot afford to pay me. Even if I took a "big" position.

If I stay on the agency side, I have to commute 1-2 hours away. If public transportation were reliable here, that wouldn't be so bad, but it isn't. And the commute time isn't because of distance. Just traffic. Too many damn people on the road. Why should I contribute to that?

Besides, I get home at 7 or 730 at night. And still have to cook dinner? We'd have no family time at all. I can't do that. I can't sacrifice time with my children for money or a big title. ( that is the next step from where I am now)

I'll figure out something to do with my talents that lets me still be the mother I want to be.

If I was strong in my faith, I'd pray on it, leave it in God's hands and do my daily work.

Now, there's a thought...

Idiot

2005-01-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

There was a terrible train wreck in the LA area early this morning. At last count 10 people were killed and over 200 injured. 89 of those required hospitalization. It's so near my office I hear the sirens and helicopters flying overheard.

Some idiot decided to kill himself so he drove his Jeep Cherokee onto the train tracks. At the last minute the coward changed his mind. He couldn't move the vehicle fast enough, so he hoped out and watched the accident happen.

WHAT THE FUCK!!! ???

Now, instead of actually being dead, he's wishing he was dead as he sits in a jail cell and is being charged with murder. And based on the laws in the state of California, when he is eventually found guilty, he will be sent to death row. And in the year 2025, he will get his wish and die. Except this time in the gas chamber.

But the asshole managed to kill 10 people and enjoys so many others. Those people would love to be alive in the year 2025. Idiot.

Message to those who want to committ suicide, do it so you don't hurt anyone else. Don't make a u-turn on the freeway at rush hour. Don't hang yourself at home so family members can find you. And don't jump off an office building. Other people have to look at you.

Take some poisin and go lay in a ditch somewhere. Then you can't hurt anyone else.

I'll try this again

2005-01-25T13:52:00.000-08:00

I was writing a post about my garden and accidently hit the post button to soon.
I'm such a klutz.

I love to garden. I'm not that great at it because I get a little lazy. And the kids bball schedules keep me from concentrating on it as much as I would like.

But, it makes me happy. I love to dig in the dirt, with gloves on of course.

There's something about planting a bulb, and watching as a beautiful flower grows. Or planting vegetables, picking and eating them from my own space. Very cool.

Gardening makes me happy. It helps keep my stress level down. I always tell people that you can get and idea of how stressed I am by the size of the garden. If it's been a really bad season, the garden is huge. I'll have stuff growing out of every pot I can find and every open corner the neighbors cats won't dig into.

I'm really missing it right now. There's been so much rain, I can't do anything. And the kids schedules have kept me running like a crazy person. And I am feeling very stressed. I need to go dig in the dirt and plant something.

I think I will. This weekend, I am going to plant a few bulbs and prepare the garden box for spinach and carrots. Maybe some radishes too. I don't like to eat them, just grow them.

While I'm digging and planting my mind goes far away. Sometimes, I forget how long I've been out there or what got me so upset to begin with.

That's what I need right now. To think, clear my head, and let it go.

My garden

2005-01-25T13:50:00.000-08:00

What the $%&*!

2005-01-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

They did it to me again.

I worked my ass off. Got great banner placement for a client. And they let a white boy in a different department get the credit for the planning and placement and negotiation of soemthing I did. Me. With my contacts and my research. Me.

The first time it happend, a few months ago, I was so shocked it happened, I was speechless. So, I could only let it go.

But this morning, when the subject came up, this person was sitting behind me and the VP referred to him. Like he knew. If I hadn't nodded my head in response, the jerk behind me would never have known the start date at all. He couldn't of answered the question. But I didn't know he was there. And I just sat there. Like a fucking idiot. Never again

I am so mad I could spit. And when I go to my boss about it, she blows me off.

Just because she let's these people run over her and not appreciate her, doesn't mean it has to happen to me.

I don't know how I am going to handle this yet, but I will. And it won't be in the way any of them expect it either. I'm not going to raise my voice or stomp my feet. It will be felt much more harshly than that. I will make sure of it.

Maybe another company should get the benefit of my vast experience and expertise. Screw them and their clients.

Hey people

2005-01-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

What is up for the new year? My husband and I didn't make new years resolutions. We never keep them. But I do have some things I would like to accomplish this year,

I have the following goals:

1. Organize my house
2. Get out of bed on time.
3. Pay bills on time
4. Get rid of the clutter at home
5. Focus more on my job (when I am there)
6. Eat dinner at the dinning room table more often
7. Go back to cooking a few days ahead
8. Stay in contact with more of my cousins
9. Talk to my brother more than once a month
10. Talk to my Dad less than once a day
11. Thank God more often
12. Appreciate what I have
13. Truly understand that I am blessed
14. Find more ways to show my husband I love him
15. Expect more from my children

I know these are kind of all over the place, but that's me.

What about you?

I Survived

2004-12-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

I am so happy that Christmas has come and gone.

I couldn't afford to buy all the stuff the kids wanted, but I most of it anyway.

I wasn't in the mood to deal with my parents staying in my little house for two days, but they stayed in a hotel(thank god) and left early to beat the horrible storm that is now pouding Southern Cali.

My favorite cousin and her 2 boys who are visiting from France stayed two nights with us. I love her and them, but am glad they are heading back to the desert.

I was on vacation last week and never had any time to my self. I never updated my blog, checked in on any one elses blog or even accessed the internet other than to check my dwindling bank account.

I guess I am just selfish. I want to read my book, drink my wine and be left alone.

I know I should be happy and counting my blessings, instead I'm pouting, I'm tired and I am broke. And, I am back at work. crap

I know, I know. Get over myself.

What kind of soul are you?

2004-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Some aspects of this are pretty accurate.

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

But, I am definately a doer. I waits for no one. Much to my husbands dismay.

Two posts in one day

2004-12-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

This is for Elle.

Three names you go by:
Bballmom …the internet moniker
Rena.. my real name
Mom

Three screennames you have:
I only have one: Bballmom

Three things you like about yourself:
my height
my laugh
my long legs

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
Having no boobs
being a procrastinator

Three parts of your heritage:
African-American
Haitian
American Indian

Three things that scare you:
Snakes
Spiders
Some horror movies

Three of your everyday essentials:
Decaf coffee
a glass (or two) of wine
a snickers bar

Three things you are wearing right now:
Black pants
Black shirt
Black shoes

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Jill Scott
Evanessence
Alicia Keys

Three of your favorite songs at present:
“Golden"
"you don't know my name"
"my immortal"

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
I have no idea

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):

Friendship
Honesty
Laughter

Two truths and a lie:

My 14 year old son wears a size 16 shoe.
I love to read
I had an affair with a younger man

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
A bald head
A nice butt
Nice Brown skin

Three things you just can't do:
Sew
make cornbread from scratch
eat okra

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Reading
Writing
Knitting (still learning)

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Eat lunch
Go to the library
get more family gossip from my cousin T.C.

Three careers you're considering:
Teaching
Media director of an inhouse agency
selling Avon

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Mexico
Italy
France (to see my cousin)

Three kids names: for either a boy or girl
Ashley
Lara
Megan (yes, Megan!)

Three things you want to do before you die:
Write a book of Poetry
Go see VM in France
Read the Bible all the way through

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Gwen
Antonio

I only gave you two.

To my Dad

2004-12-14T08:29:00.000-08:00

Forgive me. This rambles a bit, but I had to post it here.

I was going to post a blog complaining all about my Dad. He's nosy, a pain in the butt and very opinionated. But, he's always been there for me. He was apart of my everyday life. He spent much of his time working so that we wouldn't be poor like he and my mom's families were.
We had family vacations and I was never hungry or went without.

I realized the need to be thankful and appreciative after reading X's post. The things that my father does to annoy me do not compare to the disrespectful way many fathers treat their children. I've never experienced that.

I love you Daddy. You are the example of what a hardworking black man should be. You taught me self respect and the importance of working hard. You always talked to me in an intelligent way and never put me down for anything.

You often didn't understand why I loved the high jump or play basketball. You didn't agree with my choice of husband, but you didn't verbally disservice that choice. And, I know that you would do anything in this world to make me happy.

You told me when I had my first child that you were going to hug your grandchildren. All the time. That you would make sure they got the hugs my brother and I didn't. You never learned that simple gesture of affection at home, so you couldn't pass it on to us. But you understood the importance of giving to the next generation.

I thank you for that. So do the 5 Jays and the Bball clan.

Thanks Dad. I love you "as midnight loves the moon."

This is a fundraiser

2004-12-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

I have to tell this story because this is really bugging me.

I organized a raffle to raise money for my son's travel basketball team. I had a contact with a local electronics store who sells lots of big screen TV's. I asked if they would donate a TV as a grand prize for the raffle. They very nicely agreed to do so. And to deliver the TV to the winners house and set it up to their DVD, VCR etc. They one they agreed to donate was a 34" flat screen HDTV valued at $1400.00

All went well with the ticket sells. We had a great event where we drew the winners name. We sold just under $2,000.00 worth of tickets. The winner was contacted and the TV was to be delivered on Saturday.

The delivery man arrives and the winner proceeds to have a fit. Telling the delivery guy that the TV delivered to her is not what she won. She was told she was getting a "Plasma" big screen flat tv that would be mounted on her wall. I have no idea why she thought this, but she was wrong. So, she was rude to the delivery guy. Then she and her brother called the store and harrased the store manager. He hung up on them. To make maters worse, they sent the TV back to the store.

Through all of this, nobody bothered to call me and ask a question about this. I used my contacts to get this donation, I knew the serial number of the prize and that it was a $1400.00 TV moniter, not a $5000.00 plasma flat TV. No, they'd rather harrass a busy store manager on a Saturday during the Christmas shopping season to complain about a raffle PRIZE that they didn't even pay for.

What gets me is the winner spent $5.00 on raffle tickets to win this prize and pitched a fit because she misunderstood what she won. And instead of being grateful for the prize, harrases people and sends the TV back to the store. WTF??!!

Now, who would be the winner who has created all of these problems you ask? None other than the sister of the assistant executive director of the kids sports league!! Somebody who's name shouldn't have been entered in the contest and someone who should know better. This was about rasing money for kids, not about what you could win for a $1.00 ticket price. He and the executive director have made the biggest stink of all about this. They mispoke about the prize, not me. But, I look like boo boo the clown to my now very pissed off donor. A man who is a multimillionaire who may have been willing to make cash donations in the future.

Now, I have to apologize to my donor and we've lost the opportunity to work with this person again. And it also effects two other potential HUGE donors I may have gotten to give us some really big money. I understand why it is so difficult to get businesses to help and make donations. They don't want to be bothered.

The biggest loser of all is the kids. And none of these ghetto ass adults seem to understand that.

It's gonna be one of those days

2004-12-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

This day hasn't started off well.

I woke up with a headache. As a matter of fact it hurts so much I had to get out of the bed to take something for it at 3:45am. Needless to say, I am beyond tired.

When my husband woke up at 5:00am and decided he wanted to talk about the things that were bothering him, I had no patience. So an argument insued. One that we just didn't need to have. AT 5:00AM. or any other time for that matter.

And then I had to get up and come to work.

I'm screwed.

The very first post

2004-11-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

Hello all!

Welcome to my blog spot. I have never had a blog before and I am not sure I will stick with it. But, many people have encouraged me to give it a try.

Folks like, X and Gwen thought it would be a good idea. So here we go.

Let's see, what can I tell you about myself?

I'm married, and we have 3 children. A 15 year old daughter, a 14 year old son and an 11 year old son. C~ and I have been married for 15 years but have been together for a little over 23 years. Yes, we are old.

As the title suggests most of my posts will be about living, working, being a mom and being marrued. Or anything else I have an opinion on. And I usually have lots.

Hope you'll stop in and check it out. And feel free to leave comments. I know some of you bloggers have been waiting for this opportunity!

Chat with you soon!