liar

i'm tired of your lies
i can, no longer
believe in you
trust you

talking to you
looking you
in the eye
knowing
you've lied to me
and
you move forward
in conversation
as if nothing
has happened
no harm
no foul

much damage
has been done
my heart
hurts

Who's child are you?

I took my daughter shopping on Wednesday after I picked her up from school. She had taken her last midterm and was done by 1030A, so I decided to take an early lunch and hang out.

We went to TJ Maxx and she found one pair of pants and some shoes I talked her into. I found some things for me too, so that was even better.

Then we ventured into her favorite little cheapy place. We bought a bunch of tshirts and one pair of pants. Next on the list was Mervyn's. I had to exchange a few things and buy pants for my youngest son. We looked for pants for her. She didn't really see anything she liked. Then she said, "Mom, I don't need anything else. Can we stop now?" WHAT!!?? Stop now!! We've only just begun..

I don't know who this child belongs to, but she can't be mine. And she certainly isn't apart of any family that includes the shopaholic Brown women. My mother and grandmother are known for closing down stores. And when my Aunt V was living, well, no one out shopped her. She was known as the only woman who could shop and beat her children's asses at the same time.( 3 people mentioned this at her funeral, that's how tough she was) And she didn't miss a beat. On either task. I didn't appreciate shopping with her until I was an adult. Wonder why?

So, we bought something for lunch and went back to my office for the remainder of a boring day. It was so depressing. But not for her. She spent money downloading music to her MP3 player.
What is that about?!!

What's next? I'm whining in this post

(You have been forewarned.)

That's the question of my life at this point in time.

I'm in a rut. I have no idea what to do next.

I'm 40 years old, so starting a career in a new field doesn't appeal to me. I do not want to start from the bottom, nor can I afford to.

I'd like to take my experience and work on the client side of the business. But, I need the following things to make me happy:

1.) I want to telecommute 2-3 days a week
2.) Keep or raise my current salary
3.) Get more than 4 sick/personal days a year
4.) A decent matching 401k plan
5.) Schedule flexibility so I can attend my kids high school bball games.

I'm not asking for much.

The problem is that to go to the client side would require me to work for a non-profit organization. They cannot afford to pay me. Even if I took a "big" position.

If I stay on the agency side, I have to commute 1-2 hours away. If public transportation were reliable here, that wouldn't be so bad, but it isn't. And the commute time isn't because of distance. Just traffic. Too many damn people on the road. Why should I contribute to that?

Besides, I get home at 7 or 730 at night. And still have to cook dinner? We'd have no family time at all. I can't do that. I can't sacrifice time with my children for money or a big title. ( that is the next step from where I am now)

I'll figure out something to do with my talents that lets me still be the mother I want to be.

If I was strong in my faith, I'd pray on it, leave it in God's hands and do my daily work.

Now, there's a thought...