The ritual of funerals

sadness
dark colors
limosines

praying
singing
praying again

remembering
tributes
long goodbyes

beautiful day
on a hill
bright sunshine

final farewell

Harrassment that continues

X, posted about this and I had too much to say to leave in her comment box.

She talked about remembering teacher's who may have been sexually harrassing girls in school. And how girls and even woman are still dealing with this issue and not speaking up.

It made me remember a few things I have dealt with in the past.

I was too tall and too skinny for any of the teachers, or boys for that matter, to pay any attention to me in high school. But, there was a track coach in JR college that always had his hands on girls. Always tried to pat me on my butt. Always. I would look for him before I would leave the field to make sure he was at the other end before I left.

And there was also the old track star who comes back to the high schools and volunteers to help coach. He was a leacherous old man then, and nearly 25 years later he still is now.

There was also the photographer who took the senior pictures. Everyone went to this man. Even though all the girls knew he would touch your boobs if you had any to speak of. I was flat chested, so he looked but didn't try to touch. I think some father must have gotten wind of it because he suddenly went out of business about 5 or 10 years after I graduated.

And then there was the manager at the restaurant I worked at when I was about 21. Untied my skirt once. He never did that mess again. But he obviously had gotten away with it before. Or the other manager, at the same restaurant, who ony wanted me to wear the cocktail waitress skirt because it was so short and I had long legs.

I never told anyone about any of these thing because, maybe I misunderstood or was being too sensitive. Also, back then (I am pretty old) no one talked about sexual harrassment at all. It was just a joke, no harm no foul.

Really, then why do I remember these things like they happened yesterday?

Here's my 1 short of 100

One Shy of 100...
Easy Way Out Part II:

INSTRUCTIONS:1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

========================================================================
01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days (i'm a TVaholic)
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (blind as a fucking bat)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana (it stinks)
09. I've watched porn movies - (the hubby loves that crap)
10. I have been in a threesome -
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently (see #6)
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have hobbies
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free -
26. I need money right now- who doesn't?
27. I love Sushi (like maybe)
28. I talk really, really fast - sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas- come on my parents retired there.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis (at least I shouled)
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past -
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Diaryland.
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer - not at all...
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother- I wish I looked that good!
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before (I sure as hell wanted to!)
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club( WHO??)
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie -
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party (but no drugs, I'm a wimp)
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "SouthPark" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online - everyday
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum -
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist -
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

Next

I'm trying very hard to pull myself from the terrible funk I have been in.
It really is about time for the pitty party to end.

My friend Dana warned me that this would be a difficult phase of my life for the next year or two. Apparently, the wierd assed planet Uranus, is lurking through my 1st house which has to do with self.

When Uranus is exerting it's influence in that house, things radically change in your life. Even if you are content with the mess it may be in, you are forced to change. Or forever be an unfullfilled person.

Well, God didn't put any of us here without a purpose. We all need to determine what ours is. That's what I am trying to do now.

I'm not sure where to begin this process, but it's beginning. I feel it in my bones.
I think I will go through the 40 day process in "The Purpose Driven Life" and see what direction God leads me in from there.

Pray for me peoples. Pray for stregnth, the ability to listen, and faith. I need it.

How

How do you part 16 years of marriage and 23 years of a relationship without dying inside?

How do you heal from losing the best friend you've had for most of you adult life?

How do you smile when the one who knows you best, doesn't really know you at all?

How do you stop the tears from flowing all the time?

How do you continue to concentrate on everyday things?

How do you sleep at night for more than 2 or 3 hours?

How do you move on

alone?