Asking questions of myself

I need to make some changes in my life. I'm barely treading water and I am not happy. I'm not miserable, but not waking up happy and appreciative to have another day.

That is not cool. How can a person have a job, a roof over their head (however temporary) and food, and not wake up happy.

I am alive. I can walk and breath on my own. I have clothes in the closet. OK, so most don't fit right about now. I can change that. I can do something about it!

But, I won't. Why?

Why am I willing to settle for mediocre when there is so much more I can do. I can be better than this. Do better than this. Need to get further along in my life than this.

It so much easier to stay down in the dumps. Keep gaining weight, keep feeling down. Why do I insist on feeling sorry for myself? What do I think I am going to gain from it.

Not a damn thing.

So I know these things to be true, I've put it out there. It's in the universe and written down for good measure.

Next step is, I need to change me.

How exactly do I make that happen?

I don't know. I'm going to give it a try. Starting now...

I'll keep you posted when I get it clearer in mind. And I will get it clearer because I am going to post it here. That will help me hold myself accoutable because I have to write it down where someone other than myself will read it.

Check in with me. Let me know what you think as you follow me along this new journey.

Travel

Sometimes
I stand in the front yard
watching planes land
in the distance
at LAX

I imagine family
anxiously awaiting
the arrival
of those on the 747
flying overhead.

Or the destination
in store for
passengers
whose flight
floats
over the ocean
after takeoff.

Can I go too?

Regret

I shouldn't have
turned
my back
walking away
as you called
my name

I shouldn't have
lost my temper
and listened
as you tried
to explain

I shouldn't have
assumed you
were being dishonest
as you were telling
the truth

I shouldn't
have left you
all alone
wondering, waiting, expecting
companionless

I
should
not
have

Left my love
behind

Haiku

Sunflower seeds planted
Flowers grow 6 feet tall, faces wide
Squirrels eat them all.

Betrayal

Walking through the party
headed towards a group
of old friends

Laughter, snickers
comments on the side
"only because he's tall..." or "won't play..." or "he'll ride the pine"

Heard from
your boys
those who said
they had
your back

"I'll go places you will never see"
Head held high
turn around and walk away
confidently and with stregnth

Always know
who your friends are
Some one will betray you
and the surprise,
it's never
who you think.

Love poem/Anti Love Poem prompt

Love togetherness
Pretty and passionate
Forever they say
No more

In Reverence of Fridays

IN REVERENCE OF FRIDAYS

Friday morning is the only day
during the workweek
that I wake up smiling
Friday

Happily jumping into the shower
earlier in the office
sooner the day will end
Friday

Payday
falls
on every other
Friday (Hee, Hee)

Working doggedly through lunch time
knowing that afternoon
concentration is shot
looking foreward
to the evening
Friday

Why oh why
Do we get
only one
Friday
per week

Clean

Starting early
just after sunrise
Looking out of the kitchen window
feeling the suns rays shine on my face
energizes me for the day

Mop bucket, gloves, mop, broom,
dust pan, Mr Clean, good old bleach
My tools to get me through the process

Starting with the mess left in the kitchen
by the teenagers who've raided the refrigerator
after I've gone to bed the night before

But, I smile
It will be
clean very soon

Spraying down the granite counters
scrubbing the porcelain sink
sweeping in all the corners
behind the cookbook rack
under the table
nothing can be missed

On my knees with the scrubbing pad
hitting those bad spots on the tile floor
and the soda someone spilled last night
only haphazardly swiping the mess around
sticky no longer, once I am done

Cleaning out the refrigerator
dumping last weeks unused produce
cursing because of the waste
realizing not much left in there after that
grocery store, next on the to do list

Standing at the end of the kitchen
admiring the gleaming countertops, stove and floor
enjoying the clean smell in the room
I turn towards the family room/office
and groan

More cleaning to do

"The problem with..." prompt

The problem with believing in you
completely
is the dissapointment that
always
follows your actions
or lack thereof

The problem with giving you
all of me
is you don't know
really
what that means.
or how to give
your all to me
in return

The problem with trying
too hard
to communicate with you
is the nagging, throbbing
on the side
of my head
felt each evening
when it's time
to rest

The problem with me
is that I've done
nothing
nothing
nothing
to change
any of it.

Poetry prompt

I was lazy today. Well, not lazy, just really busy at work. So I didn't take the time to write a new poem for the daily prompt. You should check it out. There are some very cool poems there.

http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/April+PAD+Challenge+Day+2.aspx

Today's was an outsider poem and I chose to use one I wrote about two years ago and posted here.

Remember this one?:

My fantasy
I see you
when I close my eyes
feel your lips
next to mine
my heart beat
quickens
in anticipation
sweaty palms
bated breath
the scent of you
overwhelming

I reach out to you
lightly holding your hand
fearing anything more
will spin my mind
out of control
we walk together
barely touching
stopping along the path
"enough already"
you say
pulling me close
oh
so
close
your lips touch mine
and I can't breath
I can't think
I see colors

slowly, softly
you stop
backing away
far away
until you are gone

and I awaken
reaching for you
until I realize
it was only a dream
again

It's actually one of my favorites. I am excited to see what tomorrow's prompt will be.

Originally

Origin
of my undying
love
spotted across
the crowded
room

Two eyes of brown
focused
solely on me
conveying
love/lust
at first sight

20 years ago
this month
it began

Writing

So, I've decided to participate int he April Poem prompt to get my writing jumpstarted again.

I'm excited. Let me know what you think.