the darkness

Every once in a while, I feel a dark mood coming on. Like a mild depression, but something I can't seem to keep from happening.

This one feels like it will hit me full swing tonight. I don't want to drink my way through it again.

I've been drinking too much. Too many glasses of wine each night. I'm trying to cut back, but once I open a bottle, it's on.

My weight has jumped up 15 pounds because of the drinking. And because I eat too much junk in the evenings.

It makes me feel better. It's easier to ignore the lump on the opposite end of the coach. The one who continues to lie to me. The one I allow to lie to me.

The one who gets mad at me for his stupidity. The one who makes me feel that I am unable to live on my own, when I'm the one supporting the family.

I keep waiting for him to snap out of it. To be the man I married. To be the man I know he is capable of being. He's afraid of something and I don't know what.

I don't think I really care anymore.

And that bothers me.