I keep telling myself
that today
is the last day
the last hour
the last minute
that I will
continue
to deal with
the bullshit
that is
you

And yet
I am still
here

What is my excuse?

I make
more money
I'm smarter
I know that
I can do this
on my own

But
I don't want to
because
I love
you

I gues I know
That if I had to
I could
But I haven't
so far
because I didn't need to
do it
on my own
until now

The scary part is
that time has
arrived

The fool that is me

Your lies
told on a daily basis
tear at my very
being
taking away
the easy going
carefree
trusting
woman
I have always been

I know better
Yet, I continue
to let you
do this to me

Who's the fool...

It was like bein' at home

That's what Grandma said to me when she was leaving. After spending 3 days shopping, as much as she could, eating and sleeping with me and mine.

She felt like she was at home.
There is no higher compliment, is there?

I have 20 first cousins and my Grandmother has the ability to make each of us feel as if we are her favorite. Don't know how she does it, but she does. There have been long distance telephone calls debating this subject. Many times. Mostly, because I know it's me! And them trifiling cousins of mine and my brother ain't tryin' to hear it! HA!

We went shopping early Friday morning. No place special. TJ Max, Big Lots and the mall. We went to my daughter's bball game Friday night. Our girls won and Grandma had a ball. And so did my girl, having her Great Grandmother at a game for the very first time. How cool is that?

Saturday we shopped some more, but her knee got too stiff so we cut it short. She relaxed on the couch and watched TV while the husband and I went to our oldest sons two bball games. We had fried shrimp for dinner from the local fish place. It was good.

Grandma can't get up and go like she used to, but otherwise, she's still the same.

Sunday morning, she peeled potatoes while I fried bacon and scrambled eggs. My aunt and her husband where coming back to pick up Grandma and take her with them back to SD.

I am so blessed to have had the time to spend with her. Even when we sat in the same room, not saying much of anything. Just watching her crochet her wash clothes. She was there. And that's all that counts.

Grandma

My grandmother is coming to stay with me for the weekend. It gives her a break from my Aunt.

There are things I have to get used to. She's getting older and sometimes that's hard to remember. I miss the times she'd come to visit and call me to take her yard sale shopping or to pick n save. She's not one for big department stores. She loves a good bargain.

She can't get around like she used to. The arthritis in her knee is so bad at times, she's had to be rushed to the hospital twice in the last two weeks to have fluid drainded. She currently has a knee brace, a cane and a walker that she refuses to use.

I'll have to remind her to take pain medication, blood pressure medication and diabetes meds. She hates takin' those things.

I have to hit the market on the way home and buy stuff to make margaritas. She loves when I make them. But, she forgets that I made them best when I was a bartender 20 years ago. But, I'll make them for her anyway because my aunt hates when I do.

I'm hoping she will be in the mood to help me make tamales and show me how to crochet. And I really want her to see the kids games this weekend. One Friday evening and the other Saturday afternoon.

But, I'll be content to sit around and watch TV if that is all she is able to do.

And drink our margaritas.

Hurricane Katrina

I have had enough of the ridiculous news coverage of this event. This is what I see, how about you?

White victim: looking sad, searching through the debris, trying to find loved ones.

Black person: laughing, running around looting stores. runnning with electronics and clothes

OR

Black person: screaming into the camera, something incoherent, looking like a complete idiot

New Orleans is about 68% African American . In my humble opinion, that's why help hasn't arrived more quickly. And why the skewed news coverage persists.

That's why congress might get back to work tomorrow to release additional funds to FEMAS to help.

That's why the National Guard is willing to drop water and food supplies from 20 feet in the air, instead of landing and treating people with respect.

That's why the death toll will rise in epic terms due to the delays in help arriving.

That's why no one has come up with a way to finally fix the breach in the levees.

That's why New Orleans will never recover to be the grand city it once was.

Because all these terribly poor black folks live there, and no one cares.

That's why...

Meme that X stole

I liked this meme, so I thought I'd share.

A is for Age - 41 next week (9/2/??)
B is for Beverage - Chardonnay
C is for Career - Marketing Manager/Director of Broadcast
D is for Dad’s name -Thomas
E is for Essential items to bring to a party - me
F is for Favorite song at the moment - 1 thing
G is for Goof off thing to do - read blogs
H is for Hometown - 'Dena
I is for Instrument you play - flute, when I was in high school
J is for Jam or Jelly you like - Welch's grape
K is for Kids - I have 3. 2 boys and a girl
L is for Living arrangement - small 3 bedroom house that needs work
M is for Mom’s name - Hellen
N is for Names of best friends - My honey and Dana
O is for overnight hospital stays -one for each kid, 2 surgeries= 5.
P is for Phobias - snakes
Q is for Quote you like - "I love you as midnight loves teh moon"
R is for Relationship that lasted longest - Coach C. 24 years, 17 married.
S is for Siblings -one younger brother. He's the bomb
T is for Texas , Ever been? - Nope.
U is for Unique trait - I can argue about any topic at the drop of a hat.
V if for Vegetable you love - Asparagus
W is for Worst trait - I have to be right
X - is for XRays you’ve had - Hip, hand, finger,teeth
Y is for Yummy food you make - Fried chicken
Z is for Zodiac sign - Virgo

10 favorite songs

Everyone is tagging folks with the five questions or ten songs tag. It got me to thinking about some of my favorite songs, so I decided to share with you all.

1.) Never too much- Luther Vandross
I heard this song for the first time the summer I met my future husband. It, and just about any Luther song, as been "ours" since then.

2.) Emotional Rollercoaster- Vivian Greene
Because I am such a moody person and tend to drop into depressions. This song feeds right into it.

3.) I can't make you love me- Bonnie Raitt
I am a sucker for slow songs. More reason to pity myself.

4.) Ready or Not- After 7
One of my all time favorites because I had a crush on one of the brothers. I never remember names, so I don't know his. But he sang lead the most.

5.) Again, Pleasure Principle, You want this, Anytime - Janet Jackson
Because it's Janet.

6.) Take a look at me now, Take me home, In the air tonight- Phill Collins
Because he is the man

7.) If you love me- Brownstone
These ladies have talent. I wish they had been bigger stars.

8.) Anything for you- Gloria Estefan
I've always loved Gloria.

9.) I'd die without you- PM Dawn
I like Spandau Ballet and thought this was a cool way to sample the song. Besides, the words of this are wonderful.

10.) Nothing can come between us- Sade
Who didn't love Sade.

emotional rollercoaster

I love that song.

I am so feelin' these lyrics right now:

yesterday, I told myself
I was gonna be ok
gonna start a new day
truley happy
I was gonna take control of me
be eventually
reality hit me
mentally, physically, emotionally
that I opened my eyes
and realized
that I was still bein' taken
for a constant ride
on your
emotional rollercoaster
your love was never healthy for me

I can't type another word that would express how I feel anymore than the ones above.

Wore out

I have been dealing with a lot of headaches lately.

I know they're stress related.

We have been on the go constantly for weeks. It feels like the only time I get to sit is 5 minutes before bed time. By then I'm ready to pass out. And he wants to have sex.

Before I know it, the alarm clock is going off and I feel like I haven't slept and I'm starting all over again.

This morning I woke up knowing I couldn't get out of the bed and go to work. I called my assistant and told her I wasn't coming in. An hour later she calls and tells me we have a conference call and I need to be there.

I have her schedule the call for 1pm, hoping I can pull it together by then. I drag my butt out of bed and get to the office by 11AM to prepare documents for the call. I can't see straight and I can't concentrate. I really have no idea what was discussed.

I'm finally done with the call and the many problems I had to deal with in between. I am going home now.

I've had enough for today.

Story number one from Vegas

Why did one of our high school parents send her son with another mom, who had 3 boys of her own, sent him with $60 for 6 days and 5 nights?? $60 to buy three meals a day and snacks. And then proceeded to ask the other parent to give her triflin' son more money. And the boy was rude, obnoxius and an overall pain in the ass to this other parent. And his teamates and other kids, and....

He was so bad that the woman who took him along with her family told him "I know where the bus station is and will gladly drop your ass off and wave bye as the bus leaves!! I do not play. Do not mess with me. " Unfortunately, that threat didn't help. Or the one from my husband, or the other coaches.

And the parent of "Damien" said she didn't understand what the problem was, he was never that way with her. Oy vey.

More to come....

Life gets in the way

I'm sorry to have disappeared for so long. I'm trying to get back to blogging.

We have been so busy with basketball tournaments, summer school and work.

I can't get to the computer at home between the two teenagers. They can barely share it between themselves. And work has been so busy, I haven't been able to sneak a few minutes to update my blog.

I will come back in a few days. I have some stories to tell about the dysfunctional families I have to deal with through the world of youth sports. You won't believe it.

Love that child

Yesterday, my boys participated in their promotion ceremonies. One from 6th grade the other from 8th grade.

The 6th grades was really cute. Kids dressed in black and white, smiling in the sun. My son recieved a certificate for perfect attendance and never missing a homework assignment the entire school year. I was so proud, tears were streming down my face.

The director of the school used such wonderful adjectives to describe my child, I didn't know who she could possibly have been speaking of. Her words were, sweet, generous, loving with a smile always on his face. And a ready greeting of hello.

Who, my child?? Not the one who pouts when I tell him to clean his room, or gets cranky when he is tired? She couldn't be talking about that boy who can wear the same short outfit day after day if I don't hide it from him? That kid?

Yup, my son. And I am SO proud of him, and I always will be.

Be an involved parent

My husband coaches travel basketball teams. Three to be exact. And two middle school teams.

We are planning a trip to Las Vegas to participate in a 5 day tournament at the end of July. I have have given out the dates, hotel accomodation information and costs since March. About once a week, I've handed out a flyer or memo that had this information.

I've given the information so many times, some parents roll their eyse when they see me coming with "another piece of paper".

We have a block of 30 rooms set aside for our teams at the hotel. So I call to see how many familes have made reservations... 11. That includes my two rooms.

As I start to question parents, I get, "oh yeah, I have to call and do that" or, "oh, I've never recieved that information". Or my personal favorite, "I never really read any of your memo's, so I didn't know what I was supposed to do".

Some of there parents don't want to go. They want to send their child with me, so we can be responsible for their bad assed boy for 5 days. They don't want to take vacation time for a basketball tournament in Las Vegas. Most of them just don't want to pay for the hotel and tournament fees.

Why not? I have to!! And I'm not going to be pulling money out of my pocket to feed your kid because you gave them $20.00 for the week!

But, what kills me is that these kids have been looking forward to this tournament for almost a year. They are so excited. And now some of them are getting really down because they may not get to go.

Now I feel obligated to reserve rooms and figure out how to pay for them so some of these boys can go. Part of the reason we did this team was to reach out in our community and touch kids who usually couldn't participate. We try not to make money an issue.
But it really pisses me off when some parents don't even make a small effort to be there for their children.

I will never understand why people have kids and then choose not to be involved with them.

the darkness

Every once in a while, I feel a dark mood coming on. Like a mild depression, but something I can't seem to keep from happening.

This one feels like it will hit me full swing tonight. I don't want to drink my way through it again.

I've been drinking too much. Too many glasses of wine each night. I'm trying to cut back, but once I open a bottle, it's on.

My weight has jumped up 15 pounds because of the drinking. And because I eat too much junk in the evenings.

It makes me feel better. It's easier to ignore the lump on the opposite end of the coach. The one who continues to lie to me. The one I allow to lie to me.

The one who gets mad at me for his stupidity. The one who makes me feel that I am unable to live on my own, when I'm the one supporting the family.

I keep waiting for him to snap out of it. To be the man I married. To be the man I know he is capable of being. He's afraid of something and I don't know what.

I don't think I really care anymore.

And that bothers me.

too long

I don't post often enough. I 'm trying to do better.

I often check in on folks I like to read and get discouraged when they don't post.

If they are such great writers, and don't update, what am I supposed to do?

After this weekend, my goal is to post every other day. Even if it is only to say, HI!

Of course, I say this as I enter my busiest time of the year at work. And summer coming, so I have to keep the kids busy, and, somehow, get in my garden.

But, I can do it, and I will.

I have lots to say.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend.

for my baby on her 16th birthday

My daughter turned 16 today. I can't believe it.

I remember being pregnant with her and feeling her move for the first time. Relaxing on the couch, my husband laying his head on my very large belly, talking to her, playing music for her.

I remember three days of labor with that child and being so relieved from torture when the doctor gave me the epidural.

I remember holding her in my arms for the very first time, after my mother "Grammy" counted all of her fingers and toes. And called her name. "A...." She actually tried to move her head in the direction of Grammy's voice.

I remember a quiet baby who only cried when hungry, dirty or tired. One who liked to look around and listen to Jonathon Butler and Anita Baker.

I remember her walking at 9 months, and our worlds changing forever after that.

I remember the first birthday and that cute little dress with the minnie mouse sandals that she wouldn't take off her feet for anything.

I remember a 16 month old who was ready to be potty trained because she wanted to wear "Little Mermaid" panties. She never wet them, not once.

I remember her learning to read at age 4 and never looking back. To this day, I can't buy books fast enough.

I remember the kindergartner who was going to be placed in first grade, but she was too shy to make friends.

I remember the first student of the month award and all the academic awards that followed.

I remember the acceptance letters to the private schools we were considering for junior high and high school. She decided where she wanted to go. We had long debates about that. She still won.

I remember the first day in that completely new environment, but she loved every minute of it.

I remember hugging her this morning, wishing her happy birthday, holding back tears. And being so proud of her.

I will cherish all of these memories and many more.

I will always remember.

Constantly on the move

Saturday stared with the alarm clock blaring at 530AM. The daughter had a track meet two hours away and needed to be at her school to catch the team bus by 630AM. Gee, thanks.

We went from there to the boys school to help set up for a pancake breakfast and enrollment festival. I think it was about 645AM when we arrived at there.

We left the school at 8AM driving for 45 minutes to a 2 day basketball tournament. The first of the 3 travel teams my husband coaches played at 9AM. Game times were 915a, 1145a, 1pm, 215p, 445p and 715pm. We lost every frickin' game!

I think we left the gym at 830PM. I don't know for sure. All I know is that is was dark outside.

We got home at 930pm I think, with 3 extra kids in tow. Parents weren't home or missed the pick up point. Whatever. I ordered pizza.

We got to bed by midnight and the damn alarm clock was jolting me awake by 6AM Sunday morning. 2 of the teams had 8AM games, the last one was to play at 1145AM. And to top it off the daughter had a game at 12N. I told her to find a ride.

The boys won two out of three games on Sunday, that was cool. And the daughter won one of two of her games. Coolness again.

I was so worn out, when we got home I collapsed on the couch. After I marinated some chicken to put in the roaster oven, mind you.

And then it was Monday. Holy crap.

The ritual of funerals

sadness
dark colors
limosines

praying
singing
praying again

remembering
tributes
long goodbyes

beautiful day
on a hill
bright sunshine

final farewell

Harrassment that continues

X, posted about this and I had too much to say to leave in her comment box.

She talked about remembering teacher's who may have been sexually harrassing girls in school. And how girls and even woman are still dealing with this issue and not speaking up.

It made me remember a few things I have dealt with in the past.

I was too tall and too skinny for any of the teachers, or boys for that matter, to pay any attention to me in high school. But, there was a track coach in JR college that always had his hands on girls. Always tried to pat me on my butt. Always. I would look for him before I would leave the field to make sure he was at the other end before I left.

And there was also the old track star who comes back to the high schools and volunteers to help coach. He was a leacherous old man then, and nearly 25 years later he still is now.

There was also the photographer who took the senior pictures. Everyone went to this man. Even though all the girls knew he would touch your boobs if you had any to speak of. I was flat chested, so he looked but didn't try to touch. I think some father must have gotten wind of it because he suddenly went out of business about 5 or 10 years after I graduated.

And then there was the manager at the restaurant I worked at when I was about 21. Untied my skirt once. He never did that mess again. But he obviously had gotten away with it before. Or the other manager, at the same restaurant, who ony wanted me to wear the cocktail waitress skirt because it was so short and I had long legs.

I never told anyone about any of these thing because, maybe I misunderstood or was being too sensitive. Also, back then (I am pretty old) no one talked about sexual harrassment at all. It was just a joke, no harm no foul.

Really, then why do I remember these things like they happened yesterday?

Here's my 1 short of 100

One Shy of 100...
Easy Way Out Part II:

INSTRUCTIONS:1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

========================================================================
01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days (i'm a TVaholic)
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (blind as a fucking bat)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana (it stinks)
09. I've watched porn movies - (the hubby loves that crap)
10. I have been in a threesome -
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently (see #6)
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have hobbies
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free -
26. I need money right now- who doesn't?
27. I love Sushi (like maybe)
28. I talk really, really fast - sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas- come on my parents retired there.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis (at least I shouled)
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past -
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Diaryland.
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer - not at all...
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother- I wish I looked that good!
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before (I sure as hell wanted to!)
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club( WHO??)
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie -
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party (but no drugs, I'm a wimp)
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "SouthPark" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online - everyday
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum -
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist -
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment