Questions to myself

Ladylee posted questions that someone asked themself on their blog. I thought asking/answering those questions for myself might be a really good way to move forward.

I really need to put some thought into who I am. So here goes question 1:

Who am I?

My first repsonse is that I am my childrens mother and my husband's wife. While that is all fine and good, it really doesn't say beans about me as a person.

I am a good hearted person, but difficult to be friends. I don't have the time to go shopping or hang out with a friend. My family takes way too much of my time. As you can see from my comment above, they define who I am.

And for right now, that isn't abad thing to me. It will change in 3 years. That's when the last one goes off to college. Actually, it will change significantly when the middle one goes to the summer college program in June. Then I 'm down to one kid who plays on a competitive team that travels.

So, we are back to who am I....

A gardner. I love the feel of good soil in my hands. I love to plant seeds and watch things grow a few weeks later. My best summer gardens are a reflection of the amount of stress I had at work during the spring. All the negative energy went into digging, plowing, planting and weeding. I lvoed every minute of it.

A baker. Nothing makes me happier than opening a cook book and trying a new recipe. I get so excited when I want to try and bake somehting and I have all the ingredients in the cabinet! I rarely do anything on a whim, so having everything I need in place let's me do that.

I've rambled on and on yet still have not answered the question of who I am. I think I am going to leave this one alone for now. I'll come back to try and tackle it again later.

Stay tuned for the next question:

Do you like who you are?

Hmm, should be interesting.

It's been awhile

Wow. I haven't ventured around these parts in a long time.

I will be back. I've got lots to say.

AFI top 100 meme

My boss really annoyed me with an email comment on the way out yesterday. It's still bothering me, so I'm going to waste company time. Enjoy the meme

AFI's top 100 movies. Bold the ones you have seen. Strike out the ones you couldn't finish. * the ones you have seen more than once.

1. Citizen Kane (1941)
2. The Godfather *
3. Casablanca (1942)
4. Raging Bull (1980)
5. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
6. Gone with the Wind (1939)
7. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
8. Schindler’s List (1993)
9. Vertigo (1958
10. The Wizard of Oz (1939)
11. City Lights (1931)
12. The Searchers (1956)
13. Star Wars (1977) *
14. Psycho (1960) *
15. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
16. 2001 : A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. The Graduate (1967)*
18. The General (1927)
19. On the Waterfront (1954)
20. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)*
21. Chinatown (1974)*
22. Some Like It Hot (1959)
23. The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
24. E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982) * -
25. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) *
26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
27. High Noon (1952)
28. All About Eve (1950)
29. Double Indemnity (1944)
30. Apocalypse Now (1979)
31. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
32. The Godfather Part II (1974)
33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
35. Annie Hall (1977)
36. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
37. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)
38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
39. Dr. Strangelove (1964)
40. The Sound of Music (1965)
41. King Kong (1933)
42. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
43. Midnight Cowboy (1969)
44. The Philadelphia Story (1940)
45. Shane (1953)
46. It Happened One Night (1934)
47.A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
48. Rear Window (1954)*
49. Intolerance (1916)
50. Lord of the Rings : The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
51. West Side Story (1961) *- My all-time favorite musical.
52. Taxi Driver (1976)
53. Deer Hunter, The (1978)
54. M*A*S*H (1970)
55. North by Northwest (1959)
56. Jaws (1975)
57. Rocky (1976)
58. The Gold Rush (1925)
59. Nashville (1975)
60. Duck Soup (1933)
61. Sullivan’s Travels (1941)
62. American Graffiti (1973)
63. Cabaret (1972)
64. Network (1976)
65. The African Queen (1951)
66. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) *
67. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
68. Unforgiven (1992)*
69. Tootsie (1982)*
70. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
71. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
72. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) *
73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
74. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
75. In the Heat of the Night (1967)*
76. Forrest Gump (1994) *
77. All the President’s Men (1976)*
78. Modern Times (1936)
79. The Wild Bunch (1969)
80. The Apartment (1960) - Brilliant.
81. Spartacus (1960)
82. Sunrise (1927)
83. Titanic (1997) *
84. Easy Rider (1969)
85. A Night at the Opera (1935)
86. Platoon (1986)
87. 12 Angry Men (1957)
88. Bringing Up Baby (1938)
89. The Sixth Sense (1999) *
90. Swing Time (1936)
91. Sophie’s Choice (1982)
92. Goodfellas (1990)* Love this movie
93. The French Connection (1971)
94. Pulp Fiction (1994)
95. The Last Picture Show (1971)
96. Do the Right Thing (1989)*
97. Blade Runner (1982)
98. Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)
99. Toy Story (1995)*
100. Ben-Hur (1959)

I can't believe how many of these movies I hae seen.

...and life goes on

Wow. It's been a while since I posted.

I didn't mean to be away for so long.

But, shit happens. All the damn time. And I just couldn't figure out how to get it off my chest. How to express myself, but not come off as just bitching about something I could change. Or can I? I don't know.

We had to move in September. And, honestly, it turned out to be a good thing. We got decent money for a house that needed major work and we could no longer afford. We paid off debts. A shit load of them. We also paid a chunk of our daughter's college tuition for the first semester. I paid two credit cards off, completely. And got caught up on others.

So, now I am in minimal debt with a little bit of money left over to spare. That's a good thing. I know, I get it.

But, I'd been in that house for 12 years. I'd been in that city/town/area since 1971. I miss knowing where things are in the local Ralphs. I liked going to the same dry cleaner/deli/pharmacy. I really didn't have any friends near by or family for that matter. Still, I miss it.

I would also have a bigger chunk of money left if I didn't believe so much in my proving to be useless husband. I try to cut him some slack, give him the benefit of the doubt. But, he does exactly what I know he will do with the money everythime I give it to him. Even with all the promises, swears, anger, tears, begging.

He does the same damn thing.

Almost everytime. Without fail.

I'm enabeling him to do it. It's my fault as much as his.

To come out on the better side of this situation, more major change may be in store.

That is just great....sigh

To a friend no longer

You've decided to make a change. Good for you.
Go on about your business.

Don't tell lies
or make nasty remarks
Just
do you.

But, before you go
Let me make a few
suggestions

Clean up your own house
first
Don't open your mouth
about things you know
nothing about

And, most importantly
LISTEN
when your own
husband
tells you to shut your mouth
he actually knows
of what
he speaks

Things on my mind

I worry too much.

I allow things
I can't control
to take my energy
to steal my joy

I allow people
I don't care about
push me to anger
to skew my focus

Often I am
debilitated by these
worries
unecessary concerns

Headaches abound
sleep is lost
important things
are forgotten
pushed aside

I prayed out loud
in the car this morning
begging the Lord
to take away
the anxiety
I seem intent on keeping

The issues on my mind
are important
somewhat
but not life or death
only inconvenient

There is backstabbing
going on
I can't control
and shouldn't be concerned with
it bothers me
it hurts my feelings

I have to let go and let God
And wherever
the chips may fall
that is where the Lord
planned for them
to be

And all my worries
won't have changed
a thing

My fantasy

I see you
when I close my eyes
feel your lips
next to mine

my heart beat
quickens
in anticipation

sweaty palms
bated breath
the scent of you
overwhelming

I reach out to you
lightly holding your hand
fearing anything more
will spin my mind
out of control

we walk together
barely touching
stopping along the path

"enough already"
you say
pulling me close
oh
so
close

your lips touch mine
and I can't breath
I can't think
I see colors

slowly, softly
you stop
backing away
far away
until you are gone

and I awaken
reaching for you
until I realize
it was only a dream
again

After

My daughter's surgery went well this morning. But, she's been having some problems with the Vicodin. She'd rather deal with the pain in her hand than take that medication. Can't say that I blame her.

The worst part of all of this, she will probably miss the entire basketball season and it's her senior year. She worked hard and had earned a starting position. I'm hoping she will heal enough to at least play on Senior Night which is February 12th, I think. She's a little bummed about missing this year, but plans on attending every game and many of the practices.

I'm proud of her for that. She is committed, if nothing else.

She's my baby.

One who is happily on her way to college. My prayer for her is that she gets accepted to enough schools to give herself lots to choose from.

I know the Lord has only good things in mind for her.

and worse

We are scheduled for surgery on my daughter's right wrist on Monday at 10AM pst.

She has a more severe injury than originally thought and will have a screw inserted in the wrist to repair it. And will probably miss her entire senior year of basketball. Big bummer.

But, the blessing is that it can be repaired and that it was caught. Because if we had stayed with the urgent care diagnosis, we would be looking at twice as long to recover. Thank goodness for the trainer at school who knows his stuff.

Have a happy thanksgiving everyone!

so it gets worse...

My daughter was referred to an orthopedic surgeon by the trainer at her school. An athletic trainer at a high school, you ask? Yes indeed.

Lucky for us the girls varsity coach is good frineds with a guy who is a trainer with the LA Galaxy soccer team. He volunteers and trains students to be athletic trainers at the daughter's school. He told me last night that he didn't like the way her hand looked and felt, so he wanted us to see this ortho. (I guess that's what all that tuition gets me, huh?)

I was able to get her an appointment for this afternoon. Well, my husband just calls to tell me she has a hairline fracture that can be repaired one of two ways:

A cast- worn for three months and the wrist may not completely heal properly

Surgery- a half hour procedure and she would be back at practice in as little as three weeks.

SURGERY!!! On my 17 year old baby. are you kidding me??!!

Of course, that is the option she wants to take. Quick, fast and in a hurry!

I'm waiting for my husband to talk to the surgeon and let me know when, where and how much.

oh yeah

happy thanksgiving

The lesson of listening

I have this client who is often a pain in my butt. Lately I am beginning to understand why he can be so difficult.

He's in his mid 70's with a very ill wife. I think she has parkinson's and some dementia. So, he has that to contend with. He has worked for his employer for about 20 years. He is with a very well known non-profit. They do great work.

But he is also dealing with a mid-forties female boss who wants him out and a early 20's co-worker who thinks the only way to contact people is by email or text messaging. She doesn't understand the concept of picking up a phone and setting up face to face meetings. Or why relationships are so important to her position. She's the public relations/special events coordinator at a large non-profit. HELLO! She needs the local media FAR more than they can ever need or use her and the organization.

So, this little old man callls me this morning because he couldn't find my bosses, the department head, extension. I transfer the call to her office and he starts right in with his complaints. They don't listen to me around here, you didn't explain well enough what you wanted from me, you need to do more, faster and in a less expensive way. yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.

Then he proceeds to tell us some other confidential information about is boss and coworkers. And finished all of this by saying that he wants to resign in the next few months. That he ccouldn't deal with things there anymore and needed to leave.

Once he finished with his complaintes, he told us that his wife is dooing poorly and asked for our prayers that they travel safely from their home in Texas to see family in Colorado. He wanted help in praying that his wife would be able to make the trip. It's in 10 days. They're going to see her children and their favorite grandchildren. And he is really worried about his wife.

My point in blogging about this client and the conversation is because I realized that all he wanted was someone to listen to him, pray for him and to sympathise with him. And my boss was in a hurry to run from her office to another meeting. Notebook in hand, laptop on the notebook, heading to her door with the client on speakerphone. Ready to go.
I too was feeling a little put out as we have spoken to this man 2 times a day for about a week straight. I was thinking enough already.

If I can't give 20 or 30 minutes of my time to listen to someone in need, what kind of person amd I? Why am I not picking up on when the lord has sent someone to me for a kind word and genuine concern? What does that say about me and my christian principles?

I think it means that sometimes we need to stop, take a dep breath and just listen.

Monday

I'm thankful that I woke up this morning.

And the rest of the day went down hill from there.

Tomorrow has got to be better.

Thanksgiving

"We're happier people when we're aware of the blessings that surround us."

I read this very simple statement in Women's Day magazine last week and it has been on my mind ever since.

Often, I get so caught up in the day to day whining about what I don't have, I forget to be thankful what what I do have. I am thankful for the following:

A healthy family- I am always reading about the trials and tribulations of parents with chronically ill children. That has never been my existence. Thank you Jesus.

A well paying job- Could I make more, sure. Could I also not have a job at all, absolutely. I thank the Lord for that.

A good hearted husband- He gets on my last nerve and isn't always there emotionally when I would like him to be, but he loves me. And better yet, he loves our children.

A roof over my head- We almost didn't for a minute there, but the Lord has stepped in to keep that from happening.

A vehicle that runs- actually 3, but only one car note. You all know that is a HUGE blessing.

The list could go on, but I think along with the daily challenge of posting, i will list something that I am thankful for each day too.

Hope you all had a blessed day, I know I did.

day 4

So, it's day 4 and I'm still posting. Even though I really don't have too much to say. My teenagers are hanging around and waiting to get on the computer.

It's really annoying the crap out of me and I can't think.

It's Saturday and I didn't have to be anyplace early this morning. I actually got to sleep in until about 9am. I never get to do that.

I did a little cleaning, not nearly as much as needs to be done. But, it's a start.

Time to do a some grocery shopping and decide on dinner for tonight and tomorrow.

Hope you all are having a good day.

Depending on you

Phone calls to be made.
Bills to be paid.
Problems to be dealt with.

Where are you
in all of this
What are you
handling
When
can I
ever
depend
on
you

Will you
carry
your full load
or even
your own
weight
again

you used to
do that
so well

I never worried
about
paying a bill
making calls
handling problems

many times
you headed them
off
at the pass
never
for me
to
hear about
or deal
with

can I have
those days
that man
my old friend
back

30 days, 30 posts

I swiped this from idea from Chele. It sounded like a good challenge.

I really need to work a little harder on my writing and maybe trying to meet the challenge of posting everyday for 30 days will help me to achieve that goal.

Please bear with me as I have no idea what you may find when you come here each day. I hope that some things are interesting for you to read. And for those things that aren't, oh well.

On another note, today is the beginning of the busiest time of year for my cleints. Therefore it is one of the busiest times for me. As stressful as it will be, it will also be a blessing for many people, and I am happy to be a part of it.

Here's to many blessings for many people.

it's about me

I don't know why this happened to me.
And I know you couldn't do anything
to prevent it.
I only wanted you
to hold me
afterward
Just hold my hand, rub my back,
put both arms around me
and hug me
close
make me feel safe again.

you couldn't do that
not that one little thing
for me

I don't ask you for anything
not money
not time
not even honesty
anymore

you couldnt do it
not that one thing
for me

This was not a time
for you to feel
sorry
for yourself
everything that goes on
around us
isn't about you
sometimes
every once in a while
it's about
me

But you couldn't do it
not that one thing
just this once
just
for
me

Boys and earrings

My 16 year old son wants and earring and we've told him no. He's been bugging us about it for a couple of years now. Below is the essay he sent me today trying to convince me to change my mind. It's hilarious! I've kept his spelling, grammar and punctuation errors for all to see.

Why I should get an earring

There are many different reasons why I want to have an earring. There are also some reasons why I think I deserve having an earring. Earrings aren¡¯t a gangster look it is a look that makes young men look more presentable. I am 16 years old and I think that I am old enough to get an earring. Also I think that girls like guys who have earring because it looks nice on them.

Earrings on males use to show that a young man is becoming older and is showing his maturity. In Africa after a male turn the age 15 he would get his ear pierced to show that he was becoming an adult. The people in his village would now treat him as an adult rather than a child. He receives more respect. Now earrings are put on a young mans ear for many different reasons and I don¡¯t believe that looking like a gang banger is one of them or else women wouldn¡¯t put them on there 6 or 7 year old child.

At the age of 16 I think I should be able to get an earring though I haven¡¯t been through a lot of things in life I still think I deserve it. I wouldn¡¯t present myself in away that I may look like a gang banger I would present myself in a way as I dress now. Simpler and neater. I think I really want an earring not just to be like everyone else. But to be my own self. I know that a lot of young African American males have earrings and I would look like another one of them but I will think of myself as different. I will also think of myself different because I am 6¡¯8¡± and wear a size 18 shoe.

Young woman these days think that guys with earrings are cute or ¡°hot¡± and I like girls to think of me and have those descriptions in there heads. Its not that girls don¡¯t think im cute now ( I mean come on) but this will improve my chance with a beautiful and intelligent young woman. There¡¯s not much more to say in this paragraph because its not a strong argument.

In conclusion I really want an earring. It will show maturity and it will make me look more presentable. I want this so bad that I really just sat here and wrote you an essay why I think I deserve it and hopefully you will let me get an earring. Hopefully this will change your maind about letting me have one.

Here was my response:

My son,

You are too funny!

As much as I have to give you credit for such a well thought out essay, I must take you to task for the spelling and grammatical errors. You should have used spell check and double checked your punctuation before sending.

That being said, this essay is not enough to convince me that an earring is something you need at this time in your life. Although you state that you don’t want one to be like everyone else, I don’t see anything in your argument that proves otherwise.

Also, an earring will not necessarily enhance your looks, but may actually detract from them. Any girl who can’t appreciate you for who and what you currently are, isn’t worth your time and effort.

But, I am not the one you need to convince, that is your Dad. And you know that very well. Give him a copy of this essay and see what he thinks.

Good Luck!! And I Love you very much.

Mom

Change is the only constant in life

We went to San Diego for the holiday weekend. I wanted to get away for my birthday, but not be required to do anything other than lay in the sun at the pool. I was able to do that more than I ever anticipated.

I realized this weekend that I no longer have small children who constantly want and need my attention. They don't wake up early in anticipation of the day, cajoling me to get them to the pool as soon as humanly possible. I don't get in the pool and play games or brib them out of the pool to rub them down with sun screen.

This time around, the husband and I walked around the bay each morning and had breakfast. Just the two of us. It was nice, don't get me wrong. But it felt really weird. Is this what life will be like when they're all out of the house?

We had to threaten our 17 year old daughter with physical violence to get her off the computer and out of the hotel room for a few hours.

Our 16 year old son, who is a budding celebrity in his own mind, wouldn't leave the room unless his clothing and shoes matched to a tee. Not an easy thing to do because he is pushing size 19 shoes on his 6'8" frame. But at least he swam and rode a tandem bike with his younger brother.

Only the 13 year old, who still loves being a kid, enjoyed swimming, biking and riding his scooter. He wasn't up at the crack of dawn, like he used to be, but he didn't sleep away half the day either. He at least needed me to bring him a towel and a taco for a snack out at the pool.

I honestly couldn't wait until they were old enough do their own thing, but I terribly miss the family time we spent together when they were younger. Like chele said, I can't believe they don't need me anymore.

Wow, things seem to have changed overnight.