The ritual of funerals

sadness
dark colors
limosines

praying
singing
praying again

remembering
tributes
long goodbyes

beautiful day
on a hill
bright sunshine

final farewell

Harrassment that continues

X, posted about this and I had too much to say to leave in her comment box.

She talked about remembering teacher's who may have been sexually harrassing girls in school. And how girls and even woman are still dealing with this issue and not speaking up.

It made me remember a few things I have dealt with in the past.

I was too tall and too skinny for any of the teachers, or boys for that matter, to pay any attention to me in high school. But, there was a track coach in JR college that always had his hands on girls. Always tried to pat me on my butt. Always. I would look for him before I would leave the field to make sure he was at the other end before I left.

And there was also the old track star who comes back to the high schools and volunteers to help coach. He was a leacherous old man then, and nearly 25 years later he still is now.

There was also the photographer who took the senior pictures. Everyone went to this man. Even though all the girls knew he would touch your boobs if you had any to speak of. I was flat chested, so he looked but didn't try to touch. I think some father must have gotten wind of it because he suddenly went out of business about 5 or 10 years after I graduated.

And then there was the manager at the restaurant I worked at when I was about 21. Untied my skirt once. He never did that mess again. But he obviously had gotten away with it before. Or the other manager, at the same restaurant, who ony wanted me to wear the cocktail waitress skirt because it was so short and I had long legs.

I never told anyone about any of these thing because, maybe I misunderstood or was being too sensitive. Also, back then (I am pretty old) no one talked about sexual harrassment at all. It was just a joke, no harm no foul.

Really, then why do I remember these things like they happened yesterday?

Here's my 1 short of 100

One Shy of 100...
Easy Way Out Part II:

INSTRUCTIONS:1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

========================================================================
01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days (i'm a TVaholic)
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (blind as a fucking bat)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana (it stinks)
09. I've watched porn movies - (the hubby loves that crap)
10. I have been in a threesome -
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently (see #6)
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have hobbies
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free -
26. I need money right now- who doesn't?
27. I love Sushi (like maybe)
28. I talk really, really fast - sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas- come on my parents retired there.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis (at least I shouled)
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past -
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Diaryland.
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer - not at all...
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother- I wish I looked that good!
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before (I sure as hell wanted to!)
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club( WHO??)
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie -
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party (but no drugs, I'm a wimp)
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "SouthPark" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online - everyday
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum -
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist -
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

Next

I'm trying very hard to pull myself from the terrible funk I have been in.
It really is about time for the pitty party to end.

My friend Dana warned me that this would be a difficult phase of my life for the next year or two. Apparently, the wierd assed planet Uranus, is lurking through my 1st house which has to do with self.

When Uranus is exerting it's influence in that house, things radically change in your life. Even if you are content with the mess it may be in, you are forced to change. Or forever be an unfullfilled person.

Well, God didn't put any of us here without a purpose. We all need to determine what ours is. That's what I am trying to do now.

I'm not sure where to begin this process, but it's beginning. I feel it in my bones.
I think I will go through the 40 day process in "The Purpose Driven Life" and see what direction God leads me in from there.

Pray for me peoples. Pray for stregnth, the ability to listen, and faith. I need it.

How

How do you part 16 years of marriage and 23 years of a relationship without dying inside?

How do you heal from losing the best friend you've had for most of you adult life?

How do you smile when the one who knows you best, doesn't really know you at all?

How do you stop the tears from flowing all the time?

How do you continue to concentrate on everyday things?

How do you sleep at night for more than 2 or 3 hours?

How do you move on

alone?

liar

i'm tired of your lies
i can, no longer
believe in you
trust you

talking to you
looking you
in the eye
knowing
you've lied to me
and
you move forward
in conversation
as if nothing
has happened
no harm
no foul

much damage
has been done
my heart
hurts

Who's child are you?

I took my daughter shopping on Wednesday after I picked her up from school. She had taken her last midterm and was done by 1030A, so I decided to take an early lunch and hang out.

We went to TJ Maxx and she found one pair of pants and some shoes I talked her into. I found some things for me too, so that was even better.

Then we ventured into her favorite little cheapy place. We bought a bunch of tshirts and one pair of pants. Next on the list was Mervyn's. I had to exchange a few things and buy pants for my youngest son. We looked for pants for her. She didn't really see anything she liked. Then she said, "Mom, I don't need anything else. Can we stop now?" WHAT!!?? Stop now!! We've only just begun..

I don't know who this child belongs to, but she can't be mine. And she certainly isn't apart of any family that includes the shopaholic Brown women. My mother and grandmother are known for closing down stores. And when my Aunt V was living, well, no one out shopped her. She was known as the only woman who could shop and beat her children's asses at the same time.( 3 people mentioned this at her funeral, that's how tough she was) And she didn't miss a beat. On either task. I didn't appreciate shopping with her until I was an adult. Wonder why?

So, we bought something for lunch and went back to my office for the remainder of a boring day. It was so depressing. But not for her. She spent money downloading music to her MP3 player.
What is that about?!!

What's next? I'm whining in this post

(You have been forewarned.)

That's the question of my life at this point in time.

I'm in a rut. I have no idea what to do next.

I'm 40 years old, so starting a career in a new field doesn't appeal to me. I do not want to start from the bottom, nor can I afford to.

I'd like to take my experience and work on the client side of the business. But, I need the following things to make me happy:

1.) I want to telecommute 2-3 days a week
2.) Keep or raise my current salary
3.) Get more than 4 sick/personal days a year
4.) A decent matching 401k plan
5.) Schedule flexibility so I can attend my kids high school bball games.

I'm not asking for much.

The problem is that to go to the client side would require me to work for a non-profit organization. They cannot afford to pay me. Even if I took a "big" position.

If I stay on the agency side, I have to commute 1-2 hours away. If public transportation were reliable here, that wouldn't be so bad, but it isn't. And the commute time isn't because of distance. Just traffic. Too many damn people on the road. Why should I contribute to that?

Besides, I get home at 7 or 730 at night. And still have to cook dinner? We'd have no family time at all. I can't do that. I can't sacrifice time with my children for money or a big title. ( that is the next step from where I am now)

I'll figure out something to do with my talents that lets me still be the mother I want to be.

If I was strong in my faith, I'd pray on it, leave it in God's hands and do my daily work.

Now, there's a thought...

Idiot

There was a terrible train wreck in the LA area early this morning. At last count 10 people were killed and over 200 injured. 89 of those required hospitalization. It's so near my office I hear the sirens and helicopters flying overheard.

Some idiot decided to kill himself so he drove his Jeep Cherokee onto the train tracks. At the last minute the coward changed his mind. He couldn't move the vehicle fast enough, so he hoped out and watched the accident happen.

WHAT THE FUCK!!! ???

Now, instead of actually being dead, he's wishing he was dead as he sits in a jail cell and is being charged with murder. And based on the laws in the state of California, when he is eventually found guilty, he will be sent to death row. And in the year 2025, he will get his wish and die. Except this time in the gas chamber.

But the asshole managed to kill 10 people and enjoys so many others. Those people would love to be alive in the year 2025. Idiot.

Message to those who want to committ suicide, do it so you don't hurt anyone else. Don't make a u-turn on the freeway at rush hour. Don't hang yourself at home so family members can find you. And don't jump off an office building. Other people have to look at you.

Take some poisin and go lay in a ditch somewhere. Then you can't hurt anyone else.

I'll try this again

I was writing a post about my garden and accidently hit the post button to soon.
I'm such a klutz.

I love to garden. I'm not that great at it because I get a little lazy. And the kids bball schedules keep me from concentrating on it as much as I would like.

But, it makes me happy. I love to dig in the dirt, with gloves on of course.

There's something about planting a bulb, and watching as a beautiful flower grows. Or planting vegetables, picking and eating them from my own space. Very cool.

Gardening makes me happy. It helps keep my stress level down. I always tell people that you can get and idea of how stressed I am by the size of the garden. If it's been a really bad season, the garden is huge. I'll have stuff growing out of every pot I can find and every open corner the neighbors cats won't dig into.

I'm really missing it right now. There's been so much rain, I can't do anything. And the kids schedules have kept me running like a crazy person. And I am feeling very stressed. I need to go dig in the dirt and plant something.

I think I will. This weekend, I am going to plant a few bulbs and prepare the garden box for spinach and carrots. Maybe some radishes too. I don't like to eat them, just grow them.

While I'm digging and planting my mind goes far away. Sometimes, I forget how long I've been out there or what got me so upset to begin with.

That's what I need right now. To think, clear my head, and let it go.

My garden

What the $%&*!

They did it to me again.

I worked my ass off. Got great banner placement for a client. And they let a white boy in a different department get the credit for the planning and placement and negotiation of soemthing I did. Me. With my contacts and my research. Me.

The first time it happend, a few months ago, I was so shocked it happened, I was speechless. So, I could only let it go.

But this morning, when the subject came up, this person was sitting behind me and the VP referred to him. Like he knew. If I hadn't nodded my head in response, the jerk behind me would never have known the start date at all. He couldn't of answered the question. But I didn't know he was there. And I just sat there. Like a fucking idiot. Never again

I am so mad I could spit. And when I go to my boss about it, she blows me off.

Just because she let's these people run over her and not appreciate her, doesn't mean it has to happen to me.

I don't know how I am going to handle this yet, but I will. And it won't be in the way any of them expect it either. I'm not going to raise my voice or stomp my feet. It will be felt much more harshly than that. I will make sure of it.

Maybe another company should get the benefit of my vast experience and expertise. Screw them and their clients.

Hey people

What is up for the new year? My husband and I didn't make new years resolutions. We never keep them. But I do have some things I would like to accomplish this year,

I have the following goals:

1. Organize my house
2. Get out of bed on time.
3. Pay bills on time
4. Get rid of the clutter at home
5. Focus more on my job (when I am there)
6. Eat dinner at the dinning room table more often
7. Go back to cooking a few days ahead
8. Stay in contact with more of my cousins
9. Talk to my brother more than once a month
10. Talk to my Dad less than once a day
11. Thank God more often
12. Appreciate what I have
13. Truly understand that I am blessed
14. Find more ways to show my husband I love him
15. Expect more from my children


I know these are kind of all over the place, but that's me.

What about you?

I Survived

I am so happy that Christmas has come and gone.

I couldn't afford to buy all the stuff the kids wanted, but I most of it anyway.

I wasn't in the mood to deal with my parents staying in my little house for two days, but they stayed in a hotel(thank god) and left early to beat the horrible storm that is now pouding Southern Cali.

My favorite cousin and her 2 boys who are visiting from France stayed two nights with us. I love her and them, but am glad they are heading back to the desert.

I was on vacation last week and never had any time to my self. I never updated my blog, checked in on any one elses blog or even accessed the internet other than to check my dwindling bank account.

I guess I am just selfish. I want to read my book, drink my wine and be left alone.

I know I should be happy and counting my blessings, instead I'm pouting, I'm tired and I am broke. And, I am back at work. crap

I know, I know. Get over myself.

What kind of soul are you?

Some aspects of this are pretty accurate.


You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

But, I am definately a doer. I waits for no one. Much to my husbands dismay.

Two posts in one day

This is for Elle.

Three names you go by:
Bballmom …the internet moniker
Rena.. my real name
Mom

Three screennames you have:
I only have one: Bballmom

Three things you like about yourself:
my height
my laugh
my long legs

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
Having no boobs
being a procrastinator


Three parts of your heritage:
African-American
Haitian
American Indian

Three things that scare you:
Snakes
Spiders
Some horror movies

Three of your everyday essentials:
Decaf coffee
a glass (or two) of wine
a snickers bar

Three things you are wearing right now:
Black pants
Black shirt
Black shoes

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Jill Scott
Evanessence
Alicia Keys


Three of your favorite songs at present:
“Golden"
"you don't know my name"
"my immortal"

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
I have no idea

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):

Friendship
Honesty
Laughter

Two truths and a lie:

My 14 year old son wears a size 16 shoe.
I love to read
I had an affair with a younger man

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
A bald head
A nice butt
Nice Brown skin

Three things you just can't do:
Sew
make cornbread from scratch
eat okra

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Reading
Writing
Knitting (still learning)

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Eat lunch
Go to the library
get more family gossip from my cousin T.C.

Three careers you're considering:
Teaching
Media director of an inhouse agency
selling Avon

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Mexico
Italy
France (to see my cousin)

Three kids names: for either a boy or girl
Ashley
Lara
Megan (yes, Megan!)

Three things you want to do before you die:
Write a book of Poetry
Go see VM in France
Read the Bible all the way through

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Gwen
Antonio

I only gave you two.

To my Dad

Forgive me. This rambles a bit, but I had to post it here.

I was going to post a blog complaining all about my Dad. He's nosy, a pain in the butt and very opinionated. But, he's always been there for me. He was apart of my everyday life. He spent much of his time working so that we wouldn't be poor like he and my mom's families were.
We had family vacations and I was never hungry or went without.

I realized the need to be thankful and appreciative after reading X's post. The things that my father does to annoy me do not compare to the disrespectful way many fathers treat their children. I've never experienced that.

I love you Daddy. You are the example of what a hardworking black man should be. You taught me self respect and the importance of working hard. You always talked to me in an intelligent way and never put me down for anything.

You often didn't understand why I loved the high jump or play basketball. You didn't agree with my choice of husband, but you didn't verbally disservice that choice. And, I know that you would do anything in this world to make me happy.

You told me when I had my first child that you were going to hug your grandchildren. All the time. That you would make sure they got the hugs my brother and I didn't. You never learned that simple gesture of affection at home, so you couldn't pass it on to us. But you understood the importance of giving to the next generation.

I thank you for that. So do the 5 Jays and the Bball clan.

Thanks Dad. I love you "as midnight loves the moon."

This is a fundraiser

I have to tell this story because this is really bugging me.

I organized a raffle to raise money for my son's travel basketball team. I had a contact with a local electronics store who sells lots of big screen TV's. I asked if they would donate a TV as a grand prize for the raffle. They very nicely agreed to do so. And to deliver the TV to the winners house and set it up to their DVD, VCR etc. They one they agreed to donate was a 34" flat screen HDTV valued at $1400.00

All went well with the ticket sells. We had a great event where we drew the winners name. We sold just under $2,000.00 worth of tickets. The winner was contacted and the TV was to be delivered on Saturday.

The delivery man arrives and the winner proceeds to have a fit. Telling the delivery guy that the TV delivered to her is not what she won. She was told she was getting a "Plasma" big screen flat tv that would be mounted on her wall. I have no idea why she thought this, but she was wrong. So, she was rude to the delivery guy. Then she and her brother called the store and harrased the store manager. He hung up on them. To make maters worse, they sent the TV back to the store.

Through all of this, nobody bothered to call me and ask a question about this. I used my contacts to get this donation, I knew the serial number of the prize and that it was a $1400.00 TV moniter, not a $5000.00 plasma flat TV. No, they'd rather harrass a busy store manager on a Saturday during the Christmas shopping season to complain about a raffle PRIZE that they didn't even pay for.

What gets me is the winner spent $5.00 on raffle tickets to win this prize and pitched a fit because she misunderstood what she won. And instead of being grateful for the prize, harrases people and sends the TV back to the store. WTF??!!

Now, who would be the winner who has created all of these problems you ask? None other than the sister of the assistant executive director of the kids sports league!! Somebody who's name shouldn't have been entered in the contest and someone who should know better. This was about rasing money for kids, not about what you could win for a $1.00 ticket price. He and the executive director have made the biggest stink of all about this. They mispoke about the prize, not me. But, I look like boo boo the clown to my now very pissed off donor. A man who is a multimillionaire who may have been willing to make cash donations in the future.

Now, I have to apologize to my donor and we've lost the opportunity to work with this person again. And it also effects two other potential HUGE donors I may have gotten to give us some really big money. I understand why it is so difficult to get businesses to help and make donations. They don't want to be bothered.

The biggest loser of all is the kids. And none of these ghetto ass adults seem to understand that.

It's gonna be one of those days

This day hasn't started off well.

I woke up with a headache. As a matter of fact it hurts so much I had to get out of the bed to take something for it at 3:45am. Needless to say, I am beyond tired.

When my husband woke up at 5:00am and decided he wanted to talk about the things that were bothering him, I had no patience. So an argument insued. One that we just didn't need to have. AT 5:00AM. or any other time for that matter.

And then I had to get up and come to work.

I'm screwed.

The very first post

Hello all!

Welcome to my blog spot. I have never had a blog before and I am not sure I will stick with it. But, many people have encouraged me to give it a try.

Folks like, X and Gwen thought it would be a good idea. So here we go.

Let's see, what can I tell you about myself?

I'm married, and we have 3 children. A 15 year old daughter, a 14 year old son and an 11 year old son. C~ and I have been married for 15 years but have been together for a little over 23 years. Yes, we are old.

As the title suggests most of my posts will be about living, working, being a mom and being marrued. Or anything else I have an opinion on. And I usually have lots.

Hope you'll stop in and check it out. And feel free to leave comments. I know some of you bloggers have been waiting for this opportunity!

Chat with you soon!